In The Still Of The Night
by Drive all night
Summary: You promise each other you won't let them fall...and then you let go of their hand. - Burzek faces their biggest challenge and their friends can only stand back and watch as the two people who can stop it from falling apart don't seem willing to try.
1. Prolouge

_**I know I said I was taking a break, pity my mind wouldn't.**_

 _ **However...it's not exactly a happy story. I hope you enjoy it anyway.**_

The death of their baby ripped them apart.

Their baby boy, born with his eyes forever closed. Their sweet little man whose heart just stopped beating for no reason, before they had a chance to meet him, before he could feel their kisses.

They vowed that his wouldn't destroy them and then they both just let it fall apart.

Hour by hour

Day by Day

Week by Week

It broke them.

She never should have pushed him away; she never should have let it eat away at her until she felt that there was nothing left. She never should have walked away.

When he found the note that said she had gone away for a few days to just breathe he should have gone after her and bought her back.

He should have but he didn't.

He didn't expect her not to come back.


	2. When The Bough Breaks

_'Sorry Darlin', I'm not going to make the appointment. Send me the vid.'_

Kim wasn't surprised. He'd been called out at 4am to a crime scene and when Adam had briefly talked to her when she woke up he sounded annoyed. It was a shit case, weren't they all but it was more the fact that he knew there was no way he was going to get a chance to slip away for an hour to go to their appointment. Voight was on a tear and every single one of them was firmly in his sights, seems he didn't enjoy being called out in the middle of the night to deal with yet another gang war either. He was sick of seeing young kids with bullets in them. "You slept well last night?" He noticed these things because every time Kim got up it wasn't exactly graceful these days and tended to disturb him.

"I did." Kim actually felt like she'd had the best night's sleep she'd had in weeks. She got up once just after midnight and then when Adam's phone rang but that was it. She was surprised when she woke and it was almost eight.

Sleeping so late also meant that she was running late for her appointment and she tried to hurry as much as you could when you were eight and a half months pregnant. Adam was always telling her to slow down a bit, especially in the last few weeks when he saw how uncomfortable she was getting. They knew the baby had moved and was head down, the pressure in her pelvis had suddenly increased over the last week or so and she often felt like she had a foot firmly implanted in her diaphragm so by the time Kim got to the Doctor's office she was feeling a little out of breath and light-headed.

She had also been having some Braxton Hicks contractions on and off over the past few weeks which had excited them initially but they were still waiting. This morning her back was a little stiff and aching but she didn't have time to stretch it.

The midwife bustled into the room, looking a little harried. Grabbing the next file off the top of the pile in reception had bought a smile to her face when she saw the name. Some couples just made your day better. "Is Dad coming?"

"No, he's caught up at work." Kim climbed up on the bed; having changed into the gown they'd given her. She'd be glad to see the last of these, they no longer met in the middle at the back and Adam had teased her about it on their last appointment. She'd slapped his hand away as he tried to play with her bare ass.

Amy, the midwife checked her blood pressure, did a dip of her urine which all looked good, measured the size of her belly, which was still growing much to Kim's dismay and asked Kim how she was feeling in general. "I finally got a good night's sleep, actually slept in which was nice. Adam left early so he wasn't annoying me with his early morning cuddles and chats."

Amy chuckled lightly. She heard that a lot. "Okay, let's have a look at what this little Ruzek is doing today." Amy slid Kim's gown up over her belly and she grimaced a little as the cold gel hit her skin while Amy laughed lightly and apologised. No matter how prepared you were for it, it was still a shock. "I guess you'll need a video of it to send to Dad?"

"Of course, he's disappointed to be missing out, we are hoping it will be the last time though. I am kind of over it and Adam has no patience what so ever." Kim was hoping that they were going to tell her that cervix was starting to make its move.

"Let me guess? He's trotting out the old 'let's have sex' line to bring on labour."

"How'd you guess?" Kim blushed a little, he'd certainly pleaded his case last night and she was more than happy to give in to him, anything that might move this along a little. Adam knew how to make her feel good even when she felt like an overstuffed beanbag.

"They know nothing about childbirth and labour but that they all seem to remember."

They loved this, seeing their baby and couldn't wait until they could meet him or her in a couple of weeks. Adam was starting to drive her crazy with his fussing and Kim was struggling to grin and bear it. She felt unattractive, not that Adam agreed but her skin was stretched so tight and it was often itchy and uncomfortable, no matter how much cream and lotion she massaged into it, and it took forever to get up and down and she was constantly complaining about indigestion. And her ankles, she'd love to see those again.

This was only the second appointment that Adam had missed throughout the whole pregnancy. Voight was more than happy to let him duck out for an hour or so to go with Kim. "I'm just going to get Dr Sanderson to come in." The way the midwife didn't look at her frightened Kim but she just tried to breathe through it. Dr Sanderson always came in at some point and took a look at all her tests and checked out the baby but she usually just arrived sometime the appointment or they met her in her office once everything was done.

Is there something wrong?" Suddenly she was alone in the room and she panicked, she tried to look at the screen but Amy had turned it away slightly and that made it worse. Kim was trying to get off the bed when Amy came back in with Dr Sanderson.

"Hi Kim." Dr Sanderson greeted her warmly. "How you feeling?"

"Well I was feeling good." Amy was standing beside her and urged her to get back up on the bed.

The Doctor pulled up the stool and grabbed the probe. She started running it over Kim's stomach and pushed it deep into both sides but said nothing. Kim gasped a few times as Dr Sanderson kept moving and pushing on her stomach. She captured some data on the screen and Kim's heart just continued to race.

"Have you noticed any decreased movements in the last few days?"

"No." she shook her head, almost defiantly. Kim couldn't think. Last night she'd definitely felt the baby moving, they both had and they had laughed about it. It had kicked Adam in the face as he rested his cheek on her stomach and talked to the baby, like he did every night. "It kicked Adam last night." She knew she sounded desperate.

"And this morning?"

"I don't know, I don't know." Tears streamed down her face and the harder she tried to remember the more she forgot and the struggle to breathe was starting to hurt. The midwife rested her hand on Kim's chest and encouraged her to take a few deep breaths but she swatted her hand away angrily. "I slept in and was running late, my back was aching but that was probably the baby pushing. I think I did." In all honesty she couldn't remember but she was willing to lie, to make it up that she had so that whatever the doctor was talking about she could tell her she was wrong.

"Kim." Dr Sanderson replaced the probe in its cradle and turned the screen so Kim could see her baby. "I think you should call Adam."

"What's wrong? Is something wrong?"

"Your baby does not seem to be moving as we would like and we are having trouble finding a heart beat. I want to admit you for a few tests." This was always the worst and she always hoped that she was wrong but that was rarely the case.

"I don't understand. Just tell me." She clutched at her stomach. "Maybe it's sleeping. It was moving last night. We felt it; we both felt it. I'm not lying." By now Kim had convinced herself that she had felt it move that morning, she had to convince herself because the alternative didn't bear thinking about. "And this morning I swear I felt it when I was in the shower."

Dr Sanderson rested her hand on Kim's shaking ones as she ran them protectively over her baby. "Kim, you need to call Adam."


	3. A Million Pieces

"Hey Darlin'." Adam couldn't help but smile when he saw her name light up his phone. He was back at the District chasing up a few search warrants they desperately needed. He was a little pissed that he was back here doing this mundane shit but it had to be done and he'd drawn the short straw. This was going to cheer him up and he was waiting to hear how the appointment went. His smile quickly faded as Kim only just got his name out before she choked on a sob.

What seemed like minutes was barely two seconds before she spoke again. "Can you come?"

"Where are you? What's wrong?" He was already on his feet running down the stairs, his email sitting open, his half drunk cup of coffee and barely touched burger on his desk.

"Med." He struggled to understand what she was saying. She was distraught and he was all at sea. "Adam." She wailed.

"Darlin' what?"

"They are doing some tests." She couldn't tell him, she couldn't say the words. How could she tell him this over the phone, she barely believed it herself.

"Talk to me Kim, please." He begged but she couldn't even speak and hanging up on her was the last thing he wanted to do so when Kim ended the call he almost dropped his phone, he tried calling her again but got nothing. He had no idea how many road rules he broke or people he pissed off with his driving and he didn't care. He needed to get to his wife; he knew he should have told Voight that they had an appointment.

His legs felt like lead as made his way blindly through the hospital entrance and jammed his finger repeatedly into the elevator button, he started looking for the stairs but he wasn't sure his legs would carry him much further when the doors finally slid open. He'd tried to call Kim again but she wasn't answering. "Fuck." He swore loudly causing heads to turn, not that he cared. By the time he made it to the maternity ward his lungs were burning as he tried to breath and he could barely get Kim's name out.

It had been the longest hour of her life; from the time they told her to call Adam until he came charging through the door time had stood still, or at least it felt like it but the constant march of the clock on the opposite wall told her otherwise. Her tears had subsided a little as she lay on the bed with her hands cradling her precious stomach, willing it to move. As soon as she saw Adam they erupted out of her like a volcano again.

"What's going on? What tests?" Adam kissed her tear-stained cheeks and instinctively covered her hands with his.

"The baby's not moving."

"What do you mean? It was kicking me last night."

"I know. I told them that but they won't listen to me, Adam I'm scared."

"Oh Kim, sweetheart, I know." He peppered her face with kisses.

"It's our baby."

Adam climbed on to the bed and let Kim fall against him and they both had their hands on her stomach. That feeling of stillness would haunt them forever.

"What happened? What did Dr Sanderson say?"

"I don't know. The midwife did the sonagraph and then left and got Dr Sanderson. I knew something was wrong but they wouldn't tell me. They told me to call you and that they can't find a heart beat." Adam tried to decipher what she was saying. "Adam, please." She grabbed a fistful of his shirt. "Tell them they are wrong."

The arrival of the Doctor did little to ease their anxiety. She did another sonagraph and placed a fetal monitor on Kim. She had told Adam that they had already given her a sugary drink when she arrived which tasted foul and that it did nothing. Kim grimaced as Dr Sanderson poked and prodded her and tried to move the baby.

"Kim, I am going to do a vaginal scan. That will give me a really good look. It's not very comfortable."

She crushed Adam's hand and moaned a little as she inserted the probe but it was all over pretty quickly. He watched the Doctor's face intently but she gave away nothing by the way she looked but her lack of conversation said it all.

"Okay." She removed her gloves and pulled Kim's gown down over her knees. "I'm really sorry, but your baby's heart has stopped beating. There is no heartbeat and no fetal movements."

"I can hear it." Kim was desperate; she had heard the faintest of heartbeats. She looked at Adam and was silently begging him to say he'd heard it too.

"Kim, that's your heartbeat, not the baby's."

"No, please look again." Adam begged the Doctor, grabbing her hand desperately. He glanced at Kim who was white as a sheet. "Just one more time, please."

"I'm sorry." She shook her head. "Your baby has died."

"No, I felt it kicking last night." Adam held his cheek where the baby had kicked him gently; he remembered how that felt. "I felt it." He was now as desperate as Kim had been.

"I understand this is difficult to hear, it is a tragedy for you both. I wish there was something we could have done, I wish I had better news for you but unfortunately sometimes this just happens."

"Did we do something wrong?" Kim couldn't even speak so it was left to Adam to hold onto her, ask questions and to stop his heart from breaking even further. "It's been perfect. You said two weeks ago that it was perfect."

"You didn't do anything wrong and I can't tell you why this happened. I know this is hard but please don't blame yourselves. We can discuss the options you have available to you to try and find some answers, but we have a little time."

It wasn't good enough, he had to know, there had to be an answer. Perfectly healthy pregnancies did not end like this. Their baby's heart did not just stop beating.

"Now…" Dr Sanderson continued. Her voice was quiet and calm but it did little to soothe them. "I'm going to talk you through the next twenty four hours and then leave you alone for a while to get your head around things and make some decisions."

Kim hadn't moved or spoken or cried; Adam wasn't even sure she was breathing at this point.

"It is recommended that you progress into labour sooner rather than later and I would prefer it was within the next twenty four hours to forty-eight hours. If you remember your baby kicking last night then my best guess is that sometime overnight your baby passed away. That gives us a little bigger window. As you can imagine it is not healthy for you to continue with this pregnancy beyond the next day or two. My preferred option is that you try and deliver your baby naturally rather than by C-section."

Kim was barely even moving and he knew she was terrified about the childbirth part already and now it had just become a horror show. She didn't want to do this, not now, not anymore.

"I am also going to recommend doing a sweep of your membranes and we will use some prostaglandin gel on your cervix which may stimulate you to go into labour."

Adam nodded; he had no idea what any of this even meant. "You can stay here overnight but often couples find it a little more comfortable to go home and wait for labour to start. When you feel ready, and we will give you some guidance around that you can come back in and we will be here to help you deliver your baby."

He was barely taking any of this in. "If you don't go into labour within the next day or so we will bring you in and induce you." Dr Sanderson noticed the blank look on Kim's face. "Kim." She touched her hand and she jumped a little. "We need to deliver your baby soon."

"Your other option is to have us induce labour now? However I really think it is better if you take a little bit of time to decide what is best for you both, go home and spend some time together and make some decisions. This is a huge shock for you both and we don't want you to rush into something and regret it later."

They decided to go home.

Kim's head started to spin wildly and Adam noticed her breathing had become shallow and she started sweating as she lurched forward and vomited all over the bed. The midwife who had been standing off the to side grabbed a bowl and held it as Kim continued to vomit. Adam stood by, absolutely horrified. He was beside himself, he couldn't bear to see her like this but his feet were nailed to the floor. He didn't even know how he was staying upright, let alone help Kim.

The doctor pulled Adam aside as the midwife cleaned Kim up; she lay back on the bed and closed her eyes but she still said nothing. "Will we get to hold our baby?" Adam asked quietly.

"Of course you can, for as long as you like. You can bring in some clothes, something special you had bought for them and you will be able to bath your baby, take some photos or we can get someone to help you with that. We can take some footprints and fingerprints and you can have your family come in and meet your baby if you choose. We will have a social worker come and talk you through that process before you leave today." The next part mortified Adam. "I suggest you bring some warm clothes in with you, the room will be kept a little cold if you wish to spend time with your baby." He knew what that meant, he'd been in enough morgues in his time as a cop and he felt sick to the stomach. No wonder Kim had vomited, this was sickening.

"Alexis" she nodded towards the midwife who was helping Kim. "Will stay with you the whole time, even if you go home Alexis will be available for you to call and she will be with you until you have your baby." Adam just kept nodding as he stared blankly at the Doctor. It was unlikely that he was going to remember any of this but they needed to give him as many details as possible.

"Alexis will also help you navigate the first few days after you have your baby, Kim's body doesn't know that she doesn't have a baby to care for and her body will naturally want to produce milk so we need to help you manage that and you will be able to go home as soon as you feel ready, but there is no rush. Although there are some things you will need to be aware of when you spend time with your baby but we will talk you through that later when Kim is more able to listen and understand what's going on." Dr Sanderson squeezed Adam's hand. "Just know that we are here to help you, do you have any questions now? I understand this is hard to take in."

Adam shook his head and ran his hands over his face and tried to breathe.

"Did you have any particular birth plan? Anything or anyone you wanted with you? You can bring in a support person if you choose."

"No." Adam snapped. He didn't want anyone to know. He didn't want to see people's pity or tears or anguish. All he wanted was Kim and their baby, their beautiful baby. He turned back towards Kim and then the tears fell as he saw her utter devastation.

They were left alone for the next hour. Adam rested his cheek on her stomach. "Wake up Baby, please wake up." He whispered. Kim ran her hands through his hair as he kissed her belly repeatedly while her heart was being crushed as she listened to her husband's anguish and despair. "I'm sorry."

Adam climbed onto the bed and wrapped his arms around both of them and they didn't speak, they were too stunned.

Their hearts were broken into a million pieces.


	4. MIA

"Where the hell is Ruzek?" Voight stormed up the stairs and found the bullpen empty. His mood hadn't improved throughout the morning and this didn't help. Atwater checked the locker room but that was also empty. They thought it was strange the state his desk was left in. The half eaten food, Ruzek never left food and checking his desk they found his weapon in the drawer.

"No idea, Boss." Atwater pulled out his phone and dialled Ruzek's number; it didn't even ring. "Ruz, where you at man? Voight is pissed, we need those warrants."

He shrugged at Voight. "Straight to voice mail."

"Get me those warrants. He better have least submitted them and have a damn good reason for taking off." He growled as he headed back into his office. He was pissed but more than that, it was just strange behaviour. Ruzek was anything but a flake. He swung around and stared out his window for a few minutes trying to refocus but something settled uneasy on him yet he couldn't grasp it, it was a half formed idea that disappeared as quickly as it came.

"Atwater." He leant out his door and barked.

"They are coming boss, he'd emailed the paperwork. They are sending me a copy."

The warrants came through and they headed out to execute them. It wasn't easy or pretty and they were a man down. Voight was not happy and by the time they hauled their asses back upstairs hours later Ruzek was still MIA and Voight was fluctuating between angry and worried.

"Has anyone bothered to call Kim?"

Kevin dialled Kim's number and it also went straight to voice mail. They checked with Platt and she didn't know anything although when they checked the CCTV vision they caught him running from the building a little after ten and it was now almost three.

No one was answering their phones; messages and texts all went unanswered so he sent Atwater and Halstead to their house. Voight's gut was churning. This wasn't normal behaviour, Ruzek didn't just walk out on a case, he never had; he was always feet first into everything.

The house was quiet, there was no sign of either Adam or Kim's cars and the pounding on the door bought nothing. Atwater pulled out his spare key, they'd given it to him not long after they moved in because Adam was constantly losing his keys and he'd had to borrow Kev's copy more times than they could count.

It was quiet and empty, nothing was out of place, Kim was a neat freak and it took all her time, energy and patience to keep Adam in line. Kevin took the stairs and checked the bedrooms while Halstead went out back. All the doors were locked, the kitchen was clean and unlike Ruzek's desk nothing was left half eaten so nobody had left in a hurry. It felt weird to be searching their friend's house looking for suspicious activity but a relief to find none.

"Boss, place is clear. No sign of anyone, no sign of forced entry or a scuffle." Halstead called it in. "It looks fine."

Voight asked Al to ping both their phones and got nothing and they then managed to gain access to his computer, although that was a feat in itself because these two were the least tech savvy people they knew, and checked his calendar. When he saw the appointment marked with the obstetrician that churn in his gut got louder. He looked at Al and shook his head. "It might be good news." He forced out, suddenly his voice lower and gruffer than usual. His lips said one thing but his heart was telling him something else.

Al offered to go. He approached the doors of Med with some trepidation. It never stopped hurting, coming back here. The memory of losing Lexi intensified every time he walked through those doors, even now. "To what do I owe this pleasure?" Maggie raised one eye at Al as he casually leant on the desk.

"Hey, we think we've got a problem. Ruzek's MIA, he took off half way through a case and we can't get hold of Kim, he mentioned an obstetric check up and that was hours ago. I am just checking that they are okay."

"Haven't seen them."

"Can you just check?" he tapped her computer screen.

"You know I can't tell you anything."

"I know, but you can just tell me that they are here. Ease my mind." Voight had said anything specific but Al knew him well enough to know that he was worried.

Maggie sighed, typed a name in and tried not to gasp when she saw the notes. _'Intrauterine fetal demise.'_

Al was too smart for that though; he saw the subtle change in Maggie's face. "They are here?"

She nodded.

"Upstairs?" He asked quietly. Perhaps they just wanted to surprise everyone? That's what he wanted to think and he forced his mind to go there. If Kim was in labour he knew Adam would panic, he was on edge waiting for the call and that would have given him reason enough to leave in a hurry. Adam was like a bull in a china shop, he didn't do waiting and was damn near insufferable if things weren't moving quick enough for him. This pregnancy wasn't moving nearly as quick as he'd like, especially as they neared the end.

"Thanks Maggie." Al reached out and squeezed her hand. He stood rooted to the spot for a few moments contemplating what to do. He thought about heading up to maternity but decided against it. They wanted to keep this quiet so he would let them and when they had something to share they would. It seemed unusual, Adam liked to share, some would even say over share every little detail of this pregnancy, much to Kim's annoyance but he was excited and it was Intelligence's first baby and they were all counting the days.

Al had lost Lexi, he'd lost his only daughter in that horrific fire and he'd destroyed his marriage long before that by admitting that he'd had an affair and may have another daughter. Michelle had left town long ago and he had zero contact with her. Adam had always been like a son to him, he'd hand picked him from the academy and over the years they'd butted heads, niggled each other and frustrated the crap out of each other but Adam turned up for him everyday when he lost Lexi.

He found himself sitting in Voight's office. "I don't know what is going on, but my gut." He waved his hand in front of his stomach. "My gut tells me something is not right."

"Maggie said nothing?"

He thought about telling Hank about the look in her eyes but held back. He wasn't really sure why, but he did it anyway. "No, just that they are there, in Med."

"You know birth's can be rough. Meredith was in labour for what three days. And Camille…" he shook his head sadly. "…well that was…" he paused. "…not great." They gone to hospital expecting to come home with two babies and walked out of there with one.

"Yeah." Al pulled his beanie off and ran his hands through his head. "Yeah." Neither them believed a word of what they were trying to sell beach other but that's all they had at this stage and the last thing they wanted to do was worry the rest of the team.

Voight had lost more than most, his wife, his son and Justin's twin sister. Then he'd also lost his grandson in every sense of the word. Olive would visit him once a year and only if he begged and sent her the money for a flight back to Chicago. She'd moved on, had another baby with her new boyfriend and was making a good go at life for Daniel and he had to be grateful that his grandson had a mother who loved him and a stepdad who treated him like his own

This baby was going to be a beautiful light in their sometimes dark, depressing world.

Adam and Kim had asked the hospital to respect their privacy and they did not want anyone to know. They wanted to deal with it in private, figure out what to do and how to tell their loved ones in their own time. Right now they wanted to be selfish and nothing existed outside these walls.

"Are you going to work tomorrow?" Kim shifted a little uncomfortably. Each slow and deliberate movement a painful reminder about what was ahead of them. She still had the aching back, the swollen ankles, the breathlessness and weight on her bladder, the only difference now was her baby was dead. It was a harsh, brutal reality.

"No."

"You can. I will call you if I need you. No point both of us sitting around waiting for nothing." That's what it felt like, all this, the last nine months was for nothing.

"I am not leaving you." Adam was surprised that she would even ask. Not a chance in hell he was leaving her alone for even a second.

"You need to tell Voight. You can't just not turn up to work. What did you tell him when you left?" Talking about this was just delaying the inevitable conversation, they both knew it but neither of them were ready to face reality. It was a silent understanding between them and nobody was going to break that ice.

"I didn't, I didn't tell anyone. Nobody was there so I just left."

"Adam."

"Kim, I don't care. I don't care about work, I don't care about anything right now, except you." He pressed his lips to her temple. "Except you."

Unfortunately the arrival of the social worker, Catherine broke that ice, actually she shattered it. That was a harrowing experience and they were suddenly faced with so many decisions that they didn't want to make. Decisions about how long they wanted to spend with their baby, did they want an autopsy to find out what went wrong, funeral arrangements, grief counselling and how to tell their families and loved ones.

"Although you will be able to spend as much time with your baby as you feel you are capable of you do need to be aware that we need to ensure you baby doesn't get too warm as that may affect how long they are able to stay with you. You can stay up to seven days if you chose and if things are managed properly" This was horrific, they knew how these things worked, they knew what happened to bodies after people died. This wasn't just a body though; this was their baby. "We do have a cuddle cot that will help your baby stay at the right temperature throughout your time with them. Whenever you feel like it's time to let go we will help you, but you do need to say goodbye and you need to decide how and when that feels right for you."

Catherine also talked to them about how to deal with people wanting to help. What going home would look like, facing the nursery and all the things they had already bought for their baby, going back to work and even resuming their sex life and making the decision whether to have more children. It was overwhelming and Catherine promised that she would be with them over the next few days and they could call her at anytime with any questions.

They couldn't see beyond the next minute, let alone the days, weeks and months ahead of them.

Once the social worker left them, with more questions than answers Dr Sanderson returned and did another scan and the faintest glimmer of hope they still had vanished into the abyss of the motionless baby on the screen. Kim buried her head into Adam's shoulder as they 'swept' her membranes and rubbed some prostaglandin on her cervix.

Then he took her home.


	5. You Look Beautiful To Me

Adam helped Kim out of the car. It had been a fairly quiet trip home, she'd rested her hand on his leg, reclined the seat a little and closed her eyes. Adam stroked her fingers gently and he wasn't even sure how they got home, his own mind was a crazy jumbled mess. Suddenly they were staring at their house and up until they both walked out of here this morning this was their favourite place in the whole world. Now it looked cold and imposing and they were dreading walking through that door.

Kim moved first and Adam jumped out and helped her climb out of the car and he curled his fingers around her own and helped her take the agonising steps towards their house.

"What do we do now?" He asked her quietly as they stood in the lounge room, holding each other's hand as if life depended on it.

"I don't know." Kim leant forward. "Adam I can't breathe. I feel sick." She gagged and he managed to catch most of the contents of her stomach in his hands. Not that there was anything except some water and bile, she hadn't eaten much all day and when she did she promptly bought it straight back up. Any other time this would probably make him spew in sympathy but right now he felt like he wasn't even in his own body and he was running on instinct and he wasn't quite sure how he was even doing that.

It wasn't unusual apparently, the physical and emotional stress she was under manifested itself in different ways in different people and for Kim it made her vomit. Kim was adamant that she wanted to come home and they gave Adam some instructions on how to help her, although if she kept vomiting, spiked a fever, started bleeding or felt in anyway unwell they would need to come back in.

When he came back in from cleaning up the spill on the floor and washing his hands Kim was sitting on the stairs, her knuckles were white as she held onto the step and he was worried she was about to spew again, although he'd grabbed a towel and was better prepared this time. He crouched down in front of her, right in the firing line and rested his hands on her knees. "Just breathe for me Darlin'."

"I'm trying." Kim asked for a shower and even the effort of walking upstairs and past the room that had been set up as a nursery was devastating blow. The hits just kept on coming and while they had been told prepare for this it hadn't made it any easier to deal with. They both looked at the door and Adam felt her stagger a little but his firm grip kept her upright. He stripped her off and stood and watched as Kim let the hot water soothe her aching body.

"You are beautiful and I love you, so much." His voice was quiet but she could hear the utter pain in his voice. He was devastated.

"I don't feel beautiful."

"I know, I know you don't but you are. You are beautiful, you look beautiful to me."

"I feel like I am in some sick dream."

Kim's heart continued to break in to smaller pieces as she heard her husband's distraught sob. "It's a nightmare, I feel like I am in a nightmare and I want to wake up." He buried his head in his hands. "I love you and I want to fix this."

"I wish you could." Kim stepped out of the steaming shower and put her hands on his and lifted his head. "I know you would if you could, because you can do anything, you are my hero." She kissed his tears, his cheeks and his lips.

"You are cold." He reached for a towel and wrapped it around her. "Let's get you dressed."

"No." Feeling cold meant that she was feeling something because everything else seemed kind of numb right now.

"Kim I don't want you to get cold." She agreed to put on her robe, only because Adam was getting worked up over it especially when he saw goose bumps spring up down her arms. Those words of the doctor kept ringing in his head, 'bring warm clothes, the room will be cold', the room would be cold because of their baby. So now he worried incessantly about that and he had to keep Kim warm. It was irrational but he didn't know what else to do but take care of her so he focussed on that.

"I think I want to lie down for a while." Kim asked Adam to come with her. Instinctively his hands went to her belly and he stroked it softly. When Adam shuffled down the bed to kiss her stomach Kim's heart barely stayed in her chest.

"I love you so much, my sweet sweet baby. I wish you knew that. I wanted to kiss you and hold your hand as I showed you the world. We want you so much. We want you to stay with us and I don't understand why you can't." She felt the tears of her husband trickle down her sides. "I'll look after your Mom, don't you worry my sweet baby. I'll take care of her for you."

Adam eventually inched his way back up the bed. "Can you take your shirt off?" Kim asked him quietly. "I want to feel your skin against mine." He did as she asked and Kim gingerly rolled into his side, it felt a little strange but comforting as she rested her belly against him and tried to focus on the feeling of his hand running over her tight skin. He was gentle and suddenly every move they made was slow and deliberate so as not to hurt their baby. It made complete sense to them in that moment. Kim had always been careful but now she just wanted to protect this precious little human. Adam closed his eyes as she ran her hand through his hair and held her hand over his heart.

"I don't want people to know, not yet." Kim spoke first; they had been quiet for a while, the peacefulness was comforting. Since their world had been shattered just a few hours ago they had surrounded themselves in this gentle peace and even when people came into the hospital room they spoke softly and quietly. The room was getting darker as night slowly started to creep up on them. When Adam had pulled the comforter up over Kim when she started to shiver a little it broke the peace. "I don't want people to be upset, I don't want people around me, I just need you. I just need this to be over."

Adam kissed her forehead and agreed with her. Whatever she wanted he was going to give her. They had both turned their phones off much earlier in the day and left them downstairs. He had no idea how many messages he had and neither did he care. He did think that perhaps she would want her sister's support but Kim was adamant that they needed to do this alone and Adam worried that he wouldn't be strong enough to carry her burden as well as his own.

He wasn't surprised when Kim fell asleep and that was probably the best thing for her right now. Sleeping had always been a refuge for her when she was stressed or upset. He on the other hand was the complete opposite, when he was worried about something he couldn't turn his mind off so right now he was wide awake trying to make sense of it all and formulating a list of things they needed to decide. Kim seemed reluctant to talk about any of it at the moment but they couldn't keep putting it off. Procrastination was not going to help them. They didn't have the luxury of time.

When she rolled away Adam slipped out of bed, tucking the comforter around her shoulders and pressing a soft kiss to her cheek before creeping downstairs. The house felt eerily quiet and it was unsettling all of a sudden. He poured himself a whiskey, feeling the need for a jolt and with some hesitation he turned on his phone. It exploded with messages. He'd promised Kim that they would tell no one yet but he did need to let his boss know that he wasn't coming in so he spent more than an hour going back and forth trying to decide what to say.

In the end he sent something he imagined was going to be completely unsatisfying to Voight. When he hit send he laughed painfully, for all that agonising he sent five words. _'I won't be in tomorrow.'_ And was surprised with the answer.

 _'Take whatever time you need let us know if you need anything.'_

He had to ask _. 'What do you know?'_ He almost wanted Voight to say it, not that he had any idea how they would have found out and then he wouldn't have to say those words. He was all at sea. Kim didn't want anyone to know, Adam wanted someone to tell him how to deal with this and how to help his wife.

 _'You asked for time off, you obviously need it. End of story.'_

As soon he heard Kim moving around he literally dropped everything and ran up the stairs and he found Kim in tears and reefing the sheets from the bed. "Hey." Adam rested his hand on her shoulder and Kim jumped a little. "I'll do that." The closer he got he realised that Kim had obviously vomited again.

"I woke up and it was dark and you weren't here and for a minute I forgot but as soon as I put my hands here…" she cradled her stomach. "…I remembered and I couldn't get up in time. I'm sorry."

"Hey, hey." He rested his hands on her cheeks and kissed her forehead softly. "It's okay. I'm trying to forget too."

"I wish we could. Why Adam? Why us?"

"I don't know, Kim." Tilting his head back Adam sucked in a shaky breath. "I don't know."

Kim got dressed while Adam changed the sheets on the bed and then he led her downstairs. The first thing he needed to do was get her to eat something and that in itself felt like it was a daunting task. While Kim had been asleep he had looked up what to offer someone who was vomiting that she might be able to tolerate and some fluids to keep her hydrated and well enough to stay at home. It did lead him off onto websites that he never thought he'd have to visit and he was glad Kim slept through his sobbing. Kim could see it on her face though; she knew he'd been crying.

He had cooked up some apples because he read that it was suitable to eat and put some of his sports drinks in the freezer in case Kim wanted something icy cold. An icy cold drink was often all he craved if he was a bit delicate with a hangover and right now this felt like one big never-ending hangover.

"I sent Voight a message telling him I wouldn't be in tomorrow."

"What did he say?" Kim sat at the kitchen table as Adam made her some toast. She decided that was what she felt like. The smell made her stomach turn a little but she was hungry and she knew that she had to eat otherwise Adam would take her back to hospital and that was the last place she wanted to go.

"Take as much time as I need."

"You told him?" The question came out a little harsh but Adam had expected that.

"No I didn't." He replied calmly. "I guess he's always been someone who trusts us and knows that I wouldn't ask for no reason."

"How do we tell people?"

"I thought we weren't going to worry about that yet?" Adam held up the butter and Kim nodded but didn't say anything. "Can we think about that later?" Adam knew that it would fall to him to let people know and he was dreading it.

"Sure." In all honesty some things could wait. There were things that needed to be decided now and things that weren't so time critical. Prioritising was one of his strengths, which sometimes frustrated Kim because Adam wouldn't make a decision until the last minute if he didn't have too. "I was thinking about names though."

"And?"

"Can we sit down and choose some names. I want something that has meaning."

"Not what we had already chosen?" They had finally narrowed it down to two girls names and two boys names, which they both loved. Just before they left the hospital, when Dr Sanderson came in they were offered to chance to find out the sex of the baby and it had always been something they were adamant they didn't want to know, they wanted to be surprised on the day. They liked the mystery and excitement of it all and while everything had suddenly changed they decided to wait, it was going to be hard enough so maybe that little bit of mystery might soften the blow, even if it was fleeting.

"No, I don't think so. Can we just talk about it though?" Kim ran her finger around the edge of the glass that Adam had set down in front of her. "Unless you really want still use one of them."

"No, we can choose something else." Adam grabbed a bucket from the laundry and a towel in case Kim needed it and sat in their lounge room and decided on some new names, just one of each. They weren't going to choose something clichéd like heaven or star or angel, surprisingly they were both on similar wavelengths when it came to baby names. Neither was the baby going to have either of their names, they wanted something that was unique to them, they weren't interested in giving their baby a family name before this all happened so didn't feel the need to change and they wanted them to have their own identity, even if they never got to hear it.

The toast stayed down and she sipped on the frozen drink and Adam was glad that Kim seemed to be feeling okay at the moment, well apart from the fact that she was getting annoyed that he kept asking her if she was okay. They talked about whether they wanted to have the baby cremated or not, whether they wanted an autopsy to find out what happened or just let sleeping dogs lie and touched on the nursery. It was decided that, for now they wanted to leave it as it was and revisit it down the track. Fortunately because Kim was such a neat freak she had put everything in the nursery until they expected to need it so apart from a couple of things that Adam had found around the house they didn't have things smacking them in the face left, right and centre.

"How you feeling?" Adam grabbed a cushion and laid it in his lap for Kim to lie down. He rested one hand on her belly and Kim covered his hand with hers. While it was supposed to be comforting they also both knew, without admitting it to each other they were constantly waiting to feel some movement. Anything that might give them hope that the Doctor had got this wrong.

"I don't feel like vomiting." She had accepted that he was going to worry and fuss over her and had to just bear it.

"Good."

"No contractions? No pain? "

"Only my heart." She smiled weakly. "And you?"

"Heartbroken, devastated and worried about you." He ran his thumb lightly back and forward across her forehead. "I am also madly in love with you." Adam had told her that a lot today but Kim hadn't repaid the favour and he tried not to let him worry him.

"Adam, I love you." She whispered, it was like she suddenly sensed he needed to hear it and he couldn't help but breathe a small sigh of relief. "I couldn't do this alone, I am glad you are here with me. I know you are going to be strong enough to hold me up."

He promised her that they would get through this together and right now all they had to do was take one day at a time, or even one hour at a time.

"Have you eaten?" Kim heard his stomach growl and he couldn't hide it as she was lying in his lap.

"Not really, I'm not hungry."

"Can I make you something?" Gently she eased herself up into a sitting position and sat gripping the edge of the couch for a few moments while her stomach stopped churning. Adam rubbed her back tenderly and waited.

"No, just rest."

"Adam, please let me do this, let me do something normal to take my mind off things. Let me take care of you for just a minute."

"Okay, you can cook me a feast if it helps." He followed her through to the kitchen and sat and watched her while she made him an omelette and asked him about the case he was working on. Adam didn't question her motives; she obviously wanted some semblance of normalcy and to forget for just a little while. It was hard to forget though because her ever-present stomach was a constant reminder.

As was stillness inside her.


	6. In the Still of the Night

_**Sorry...it's a rough one. Take heart that it was as tough to write as it was to read. I hope I did it justice.**_

Adam bolted up the stairs, taking them two at a time. The house was quiet, all day it had been shrouded in silence. They talked, cried and even occasionally managed to laugh a little but apart from trying to watch a movie last night they had no TV or music playing. So it didn't take much for Adam to hear Kim's anguished cry.

She'd been asleep when he went downstairs to make himself a coffee. Sleep last night for him was just an illusion, Kim slept on and off but Adam wasn't that lucky and he was starting to flag a little. The coffee would help and he took a double shot and waited for it to kick in. As he ran upstairs he was stunned to see the nursery door open and his heart was in his throat and his knees almost gave out when he saw her on her hands and knees in the middle of the floor.

Kim had woken with a jolt. She looked around for Adam but he had gone. It took her a few minutes to realise what had woken her and for the briefest of moments she thought she'd felt the baby move. She'd lay there for another twenty minutes, holding her hands over her stomach willing it to happen again but got nothing and her hopes faded. When they got home they still had little hope, however small and with each passing hour the lack of movement was crushing.

"Kim. Sweetheart." He dropped down beside her. Adam had inadvertently called her baby last night and it had upset Kim and she begged him not to call her that. It hurt too much. Kim often called him Baby and he loved it when she did and he did momentarily wonder if he was ever going to hear that again. The first time she'd called him Baby was about the time he started to realise that he was in love with her and that was a good thing and such a good memory for him. That had led them here to this happy wonderful life they were living up until twenty-four hours ago when it all came crumbling down around them.

"I can't do this, Adam I can't do this. I don't want to do this." Her cries were gut wrenching and they sliced through him like a razor blade cutting through paper.

"I know Darlin' I know." He brushed her hair back over her shoulder and rubbed her back softly.

"I don't want to let go, I want to keep my baby in here forever. Make it stop." She started begging as she tried to push him away, and every time she shoved him he just kept coming straight back.

"I can't."

When she stopped pushing him away Kim let him hook a finger under her chin and lift her face so he could try and get her to calm down and Adam could see the desperation in her eyes and feel the pain radiating through her. "Adam, I think I'm having contractions. I don't want this; I just want a little more time, just a little more time. I'm not ready."

Every time he thought his heart couldn't break any further, it did. "Oh Sweetheart." He pulled her into his arms and rocked her gently as she completely broke down; it was the first time since she'd been home that she'd been so utterly distraught. He held on tight as she stiffened in his arms and moaned and fought against the next contraction. Adam didn't let her go, he whispered in her ear that he loved her and that she needed to breathe. "Breathe for me Darlin', please breathe for me." He was desperate. Once the sobbing subsided she relaxed in his arms and it gave him a moment to think about what he needed to do. "Are you okay? No bleeding? Your water hasn't broken?"

"No."

"Do you want to go to the hospital?"

"Not yet. Can you call Alexis?" Alexis had checked in with them a few times last night and throughout the morning. They could call her at anytime of the day or night and she would guide them on when to come in or what to do if things didn't progress. Once you were assigned a midwife in situations like theirs they stayed with you throughout the whole process and that was comforting, they didn't need to explain themselves to anyone.

Things had obviously progressed.

While Kim's contractions were still a little erratic and spaced out and if she felt comfortable they could stay at home. The hospital was the last place Kim wanted to be. He helped her into the shower, stripping off and getting in there with her because he was worried that she might fall, she seemed so unsteady on her feet and every time another contraction started to come on he could see it on her face and feel it in her body as she tense up until it eased off, they were still relatively short in duration in the beginning. She vomited on him and he did not even flinch.

It was a harrowing few hours at home because Adam struggled to get Kim to stop fighting against the contractions and to breathe through them like they had been taught. He knew what she was doing; she was trying to make them stop. She refused to go to the hospital and Adam was in constant touch with Alexis. Kim hit him, pushed him away and swore at him and he just sucked it up and never left her side. He told her he loved her over and over and over again, it was all he could do. "Stop saying that." She pushed him away.

He came right back. "No."

She also pulled him close, found comfort in his arms and begged for his kisses.

When the contractions started coming every ten minutes and had increased in length and intensity Adam decided it was time to take her to the hospital. Kim refused to go. "Darlin' We can't stay here, I need to take you to the hospital, I can't do this, I'm scared, what if something goes wrong?"

"Something is wrong Adam."

"I know." Adam was begging, the tears that were always threatening to fall spilled out. "I can't lose you too." Kim stopped fighting him and agreed to go, she hated seeing Adam so anxious.

Their room at the hospital was quiet and in it's own separate section of the maternity unit. It had a dedicated entrance so that they didn't need to walk through the ward and hear the happy sounds of other people celebrating the birth of their healthy babies. They didn't need to see balloons and flowers being delivered, cute teddy bears or pictures of newborn babies adorning the walls.

In their room the furniture was comfortable and homely but ultimately it still felt clinical. It was empty and soulless and Kim did ask Adam to take her home again. She wanted Alexis to come with them and she would have the baby at home. It wasn't going to happen though, if there was the slightest chance that the Doctor was wrong their baby needed to be here.

They kept the room quiet, that peace and quiet had been soothing for them at home, so the sudden increase in noise and activity was very unsettling for Kim and she got anxious which made her start vomiting again. Apart from the one time in the shower she had been okay until they got here but it was all coming at them in a rush. The last twenty-four hours seemed to take an eternity and now things were happening too fast and neither of them were coping well with that.

As Kim got closer to delivering they put a restriction on people coming in, it was starting to overwhelm them and when they offered to send in a priest Adam just about lost it. Kim could feel him bristle with anger, he wasn't religious at all and the last thing he wanted or needed was for someone to try and tell him this was god's will and that everything happens for a reason. There was no reason for this, nothing that could possibly be worth ripping their baby away from them before they even had a chance to take a breath in this world.

Dr Sanderson, Alexis and Catherine were the only people they wanted to deal with. For just a moment Kim comforted Adam, he'd been so focussed on her and what she wanted and needed and she'd let him but right now Kim had to step up and take care of her husband. "Leave us alone." Kim didn't even turn and look who was coming through the door she was just focussed on Adam. He was sitting on the small sofa in the corner with his head in his hands and Kim got down on her knees and tried to comfort him. "Adam, you are so strong, you are the love of my life. This isn't fair, I know this is hurting you."

"It hurts so much, I'm scared and I don't want to let you down."

"You have never let me down, and for the past two days every time I needed you, you've been there."

"I wish I could do more, I wish I could do this for you."

Kim buried her head in his lap as another contraction took control of her body. Adam hunched over and talked her through it. He breathed with her and massaged her back as she rocked back and forth.

"I wish I could give you a healthy baby." Kim muttered sadly as soon as that contraction eased. They were barely getting a few minutes rest in between them at the moment.

"Don't Kim, please don't say that." He needed this horror story to end.

Adam had no idea what time it was, time was irrelevant to them right now. They could have been there for an hour or ten. Whatever the date and hour didn't matter he just knew it was the worst day of their lives.

Towards the end things progressed quite quickly. Kim was in agony but refused any pain relief, Adam only asked her once if she wanted to take something and when she told him she didn't want to hurt the baby by taking drugs he didn't know what to do or say. Alexis assured him that it was completely normal for Kim to feel like this. She felt like the least she could do was give their baby a natural birth and this wasn't unusual but it was hardly comforting for Adam as he watched Kim suffering.

An agonising hour after Kim started pushing their son entered the world, in silence. They laid him on Kim's bare chest and irrationally they waited for that cry and both stared at his face willing him to open his eyes. He never did. "He's still warm." Kim ran her hands over his back, feeling his soft warm skin under her fingers. That warmth gave her some hope. Adam could see it on her face and hear it in her voice.

"Your body kept him warm." Kim stared at Alexis and blinked a few times until she absorbed what they were telling her. They had already suctioned his mouth and nose once his head had been delivered and it was met with silence. She had slipped a stethoscope onto the baby's chest while Kim cuddled him and they both held their breath but the little shake of her head shattered their very souls.

Kim then buried her head in Adam's shoulder and screamed in agony, not from the physical pain of giving birth but from the realisation that their baby was never coming home with them. Their nightmare was now a reality.

"I'm sorry little man." She kissed his fingers, his five perfect fingers on his perfect little hand. "I'm sorry I couldn't keep you safe."

"No Sweetheart, no" Adam begged her not to say that. "You did keep him safe, look at him he's perfect, he's beautiful. You did this, you made this little man so perfectly."

"Adam I never want to leave him." It was a devastating few minutes and the level of heartbreak was unfathomable.

"I know, neither do I and right now he's not going anywhere. Let's just love him."

They learnt that through all his squirming he had managed to tie a knot in his umbilical cord that as he grew larger and when he moved into position for birth it had tightened and cut off the blood flow. There was no way they could have anticipated it or prevented it. It was a rare and tragic complication of pregnancy. The only relief it bought them was the fact they no longer needed to decide whether to submit his precious little body to an autopsy.

As soon as feasible they were left alone with their little boy. When they weighed and measured him they had bought the cot over to Kim's bedside so that they both could stay with him, they did not take babies away from their parents until absolutely necessary. Adam climbed onto the bed with Kim as they handed him back to his mother and they cuddled each other and their baby.

At 7lbs 10ozs and a touch under 21inches long he had soft dark hair and long eyelashes that grazed his cheek but they remained firmly closed and he was as close perfect as he could be. They were asked if they wanted to know his eye colour but Kim didn't want them to do anything more to him than was necessary. He had ten perfectly formed fingers and toes; he was perfect.

He was just still.


	7. Breaking Hearts

It was the hardest thing he had ever put down on paper. He had written up horrific case reports and read more heartbreaking autopsy reports than he could count but it was of little use to him now and it certainly didn't make this any easier. He had delivered devastating news to victims loved ones but nothing had prepared Adam for this.

Nothing prepared him on how to tell their family, friends and loved ones that your baby had died. It was his parent's first grandchild and it had been hard to rein in their excitement. They eventually decided on a suitable message for their friends and colleagues but Adam wanted to wait until he had talked to their family first and for the first few hours he didn't feel strong enough. They were going to be understandably devastated and have questions that they just didn't have answers for right now. They couldn't see that far ahead at the moment.

They talked about it and wrote down some ideas after spending the first few hours with their little boy, he had been taken away out of necessity and so that Kim could get some rest and letting him go for the first time was an incredibly gut wrenching experience. Adam helped Kim shower and back into bed, she may not have a baby to care for but all the physical outcomes of childbirth remained the same. Kim had baulked at the idea of taking a sedative at first but Adam convinced her she needed to rest and promised that he wouldn't leave her side and he sat by her bed and stroked her face until the drugs kicked in and she drifted off the sleep. Kim had also asked him to make the necessary calls to inform those they decided needed to hear it from them. As much as they wanted to pretend this wasn't happening they couldn't put it off forever. His parents, her sister and someone from Intelligence needed to hear it from them, he even agonised over who to call and eventually they settled on Voight because Adam was convinced he knew something already.

Kim didn't want to see Adam's pain, it was too much for her right now and if she was asleep then nobody would want to talk to her; that she knew was way beyond her capability.

He waited until he knew she was asleep and called his Dad first, then Nicole and finally his mother. It was like being kicked in the guts each and every time and it was hard hearing their anguish and distress down the phone when he was barely holding it together himself and he promised to let them know when they could visit, but not today. Today they wanted to be alone.

Then he called Voight. He finally looked at the clock and it was a little after 7am but he knew his boss would either be up or already in the office. He wanted to get this done and then lie down next to his wife, hold onto her and try and get some sleep. The past two nights hadn't given him much. The first night he'd tossed and turned when they finally did go to bed and he'd hadn't slept at all last night or since the birth.

"Hey boss, it's Ruzek." he drew a deep breath and Voight knew he was struggling and that churn in his gut he'd tried to bury for the past two days sprung to life.

"Adam. Are you and Kim okay?"

"We are." A sob caught in his throat. "Well not really, Kim gave birth to a baby boy early this morning, he was stillborn."

Voight was silent and Adam wasn't sure if he'd heard him but he just waited, he didn't want to have to repeat himself. "Adam, I don't know what to say. I'm sorry, I'm so sorry. My heart breaks for you both." It bought up feelings and memories that he'd buried a long time ago and for Adam, listening to his boss's voice shaking was hard to handle.

"Thanks Boss. We found out a couple of days ago, I'm sorry I didn't tell you but we were just trying to deal with it the best we could. Kim didn't want anyone around and we've only just told our families now."

Voight had no idea what they needed apart from being left to come to grips with it. How long that would take was open ended. "Hey, that's okay. You do what you need to do. What can I do? What can we do?"

"Can you let everyone know? We aren't really up for talking to anyone yet."

"I will. How's Kim?"

He looked over at his sleeping wife and even as she slept she looked heartbroken. "She's sleeping at the moment, they gave her something which is good I think. She did well and physically I think she is okay." Honestly he had no idea; it was all such a mess. Alexis had talked to them both about what to expect from Kim's body and it seemed so cruel that she still had to deal with the aftermath of childbirth without the joy of having her baby with her. This was all just some sick joke.

"What's your little boy's name?" Voight knew how important it was for their baby to be acknowledged. It may not mean anything to Adam right now but one day he would appreciate that someone cared enough to ask his son's name.

"Leo Burgess Ruzek." Adam's voice finally gave out and he couldn't hold it in anymore. They had chosen Leo because it meant Lion, King of the jungle and they also saw that it could mean 'brave people' and it was his star sign. It seemed perfect for him.

"Kiss Leo for me, kiss Kim for me. Hold her tight and tell her that we love her." Voight swung around in his seat so that his back was to the door and he stared at the wall. It was all he could do to hold himself in check. "And you too."

"Will do."

"Take whatever time you need and let me know if I can do anything, even if you just send me a message. This here, you don't need to worry about."

Adam grabbed a quick shower, trying to wash away the last few hours. It had been a harrowing experience for him. Aside from seeing his beautiful boy being born it was traumatic watching Kim go through it all and he felt so helpless as she struggled to cope.

He'd been relieved when her vomiting stopped while they were at home and she had managed to keep food down but when she went into labour and they got to the hospital that all came back with a vengeance and Adam was beside himself as he constantly tried to help her, he wouldn't let anyone take over, he needed to do it himself. If Kim had to give birth it was the least he could do. He was wearing scrubs because she had vomited on him more times than he could count and he just changed clothes and came back for more. They ended up putting an IV in to keep her hydrated because she wasn't tolerating anything. They also forced Adam to eat and drink so that he didn't pass out when things got rough; he certainly understood why Kim was so unwell, he felt revolting every time he forced something down. He felt useless but Kim clung to him and he could barely go to the bathroom himself without her getting upset and when she got upset she vomited. It was a vicious circle and Adam was willing it to be over.

The hot water pounding down on him was soothing and it washed away the tears that were streaming down his face. His whole body ached; it had been physically tough on him also. Supporting Kim at times had taken all his strength because she seemed to have this superhuman willpower and he had barely sat down for two days. This wasn't supposed to happen to them. This was supposed to be the best day of their lives, a day to remember and it was, just for all the wrong reasons.

Voight closed his office door and he waited until everyone had come in.

He'd been downstairs already and talked to Platt who was understandably distraught. Gradually the noise level increased with the usual chatter as they fired up their computers, filled their coffee mugs and got their head into the case. He did vaguely hear Halstead and Atwater discussing whether either of them had heard from Ruzek but Voight didn't hear the rest of the conversation.

"Okay." Voight stood with his hands in his pockets in front of the white board. It was the morning muster where they covered off where they were at and established the plan for the day. "I've handed off this case for the day."

Halstead groaned, he hoped like hell this didn't mean that they had some boring mandatory training to do and the look of Voight's face made him swallow whatever he was going to say. "Ruzek called me this morning. Kim gave birth to a baby boy early this morning. Leo Burgess Ruzek was stillborn."

"No." Atwater was the only one he managed to speak and he felt like the rug had been pulled out from under him. "No."

"I don't have a lot of details. They are understandably devastated and have asked for some time to get their heads around it. So, go home for the day. Take the time you need, and we'll pick this up tomorrow."

"Boss?" Atwater pushed himself up from his desk.

"Kev." Voight held up his hand. "I'm sorry I don't know anything else. They found out a few days ago, I didn't ask Ruzek for all the details. I am assuming that's when he left. He asked me to let you all know and he will be in touch when they feel ready." Voight dismissed them and as he disappeared back into his office all their phones beeped with Adam's message.

' _Two days ago we were given the devastating news that our beautiful baby had passed away. Leo Burgess Ruzek was stillborn early this morning. Our hearts are shattered. Our hopes and dreams for our beautiful baby boy will always be unfulfilled._

 _Kim was amazingly strong in very difficult circumstances and is recovering as well as can be expected. I can't tell you how incredibly proud of her I am. We are spending some time with Leo before we say goodbye._

 _We understand that you will be shocked by this news and want to offer your love and support but we respectfully ask that give us some time and space to come to terms with our devastating loss. We will be in touch with more details when we feel able.'_

Adam eased himself onto the bed and Kim barely moved. The sedative had knocked her out and he was happy about that at least. She needed to sleep. Draping his arm over her waist, her empty stomach was soft beneath his touch and it was a hard concept to grasp when two days ago it was full of life. He closed his eyes and willed sleep to take him. It didn't come easy, but his body did eventually give in as his exhaustion won out over his grief.

It was lunchtime before they both woke. Kim stirred first and for a brief moment she forgot but the weight of Adam's arm over her stomach soon reminded her. She tried to roll over so that she was facing him and he started to move and when he opened his eyes Kim was looking at him and her hand was on his face. "I'm sorry I woke you." She ran her hand through his hair. "Go back to sleep."

"Nah, it's okay. You feeling okay? No pain?"

"No, I'm okay." She was cramping quite a bit but it was nothing in comparison to the crushing grief she felt.

"You know how much I love you."

"About as much as I love you." Kim kissed him lightly and Adam was surprised when she kept kissing him. It was a strange few minutes that they spent trying to show each other how much they loved each other as they shared their mutual pain.

Adam helped Kim up off the bed and into the bathroom. He could see how hard this was to handle for Kim, the pain from giving birth, the bleeding that continued and would for a while yet, the heavy breasts that were prepared to fed her baby that would never be used and there was not a damn thing he could do about it. She had been told not to express any milk as that would stimulate them to produce more and Kim was horrified when the hot water made her release some milk. "Adam, make it stop." She gasped. "Turn it off, turn it off." She screamed at him to turn the water off.

"Okay, Kim Honey. It's okay." He helped her out of the shower. This was a nightmare, a never-ending nightmare. She had thick sticky milk coming from her breasts and blood trickling down her legs and Adam just dealt with it despite Kim trying to get him to leave her alone. "I'm not leaving you. I don't care Kim; let me help you? I can't do anything else, I need to help you."

Once he got her dressed again, Kim leant on him for a few minutes. "Thank you." She whispered. "For everything."

"You can thank me by taking something for the pain."

"I am not in pain."

"Yes you are, I can see it and feel it. Please don't make yourself suffer more than you have too. Kim, take something please?" Eventually she agreed to take something to take the edge of the surprisingly painful cramps she was experiencing. She was willing to handle the pain, at least that let her know she was alive but Adam was worried about her, so it ease his mind she took the pills they'd left for her.

Adam helped her back onto the bed and she leant into him and whispered.

"I want to see Leo."


	8. Sweet Baby Leo

Walking away was the hardest thing they would ever have to do.

They'd spent two days with Leo and then decided, together that it was time to say goodbye to their precious little boy. Kim had sought refuge in Adam's arms again when Leo was taken from them yesterday evening. They had invited their family to meet Leo that afternoon and it hurt to see them loving their son but it was also comforting to feel like they weren't alone in their grief.

"Can I hold him?" Bob Ruzek had asked. The first thing he did was hug his son when Adam went out to meet him at the entrance to the ward. It was an emotional few minutes between a heartbroken father and his devastated son; he never wanted to see his son suffer like this. As Adam led him into the room he sought out Kim first and embraced her before turning to see his grandchild for the first and last time.

"You can."

Kim sat on Adam's lap, she craved his arms, she needed to be close to him at the moment and they watched Leo's grandfather gently lift him from his cot. Adam had warned him before he came in that he was cold and that was good for him, it was just a shock and went against all you instincts. He cradled him gently in his arms. "He's so beautiful. He looks like Adam did."

"I think so too." Kim smiled sadly, wiping away the seemingly never-ending tears.

Adam's mother came in next and they hated that they also had to space out their visitors so that Leo could be returned to his cooling cot to maintain his temperature, it would have been better for them to get it over and done with because it was heartbreaking to go through the same thing each and every time. Even Adam and Kim had to limit the time they spent cuddling him and Kim wasn't allowed to sleep with him at all which was a bitter blow when she asked. Just once she wanted to fall asleep with her hand on her baby and wake up to find him still there.

"Can you take me home tomorrow?" Kim asked Adam quietly, she couldn't keep doing this. She had to let him go once and for all and she needed to do it before he started to not look like her sweet baby anymore. The changes had been subtle but they both noticed them. It was time to let him rest.

Adam held her face and ran his thumbs over her cheeks. He hated how tired she looked as he leant in close and kissed her softly. "I will take you home." Not that they wanted to walk back into that house with empty arms but they couldn't stay here. The longer they waited the harder it was becoming. They knew walking away from Leo was going to be hard and it was not going to be any easier to go back to their home, where his nursery was still waiting for him.

Perhaps, back when they made that decision to leave the nursery as it is for now they had that faint glimmer of hope that somehow the Doctor had got things wrong. They were both secretly praying for the miracle that they knew was never going to happen.

The next morning Adam took all their bags down to his car, he had barely left her side for the past two days but they wanted to say goodbye, put him down to sleep for the last time and go. They bathed him together and Kim dressed him in a soft white onesie and handed him to Adam. The way he cradled his son so tenderly broke her heart. His hands were almost as big as he was and he ran his fingers lightly over his face trying to absorb him for the last time, over the past few days he'd spent a lot of time trying to remember every single little detail of that perfect little boy. Initially Adam didn't want to have a photo taken with him but had relented when he saw how much it meant to Kim. One day he might be grateful to have that photo, but right now he didn't want to look at it.

It was a stunning photo, heartbreaking and a perfect reflection of the pure love a father had for his son. They were lying on the bed together; Adam was staring down at him and kissing his fingers. The look in Adam's eyes took Kim's breath away, he looked in love and he looked heartbroken. Love and pain mixed together and captured forever in black and white.

Pressing his lips to his cold forehead, that warmth they felt when he was born was just a memory now as he whispered his goodbyes and handed Leo back to his mother. He didn't want to watch her say goodbye but couldn't look away either.

"My beautiful Leo, we are going to love you forever. We wanted to take you home and love you and watch you grow but we can't so this is all we get. My sweet, sweet baby, you'll always be perfect. You'll never be sick or hurt or have your spirit crushed, you'll never cry or have your heart broken. You get the perfect life." She kissed his cold skin, her tears splashing down over his silent little face before putting him back in his cot, tucking a blanket over him and making sure he had a photo of them with him.

Kim reached for Adam's hand and they turned and walked away from their sweet baby Leo for the last time.

Adam carried her inside the house as her knees gave way and he had no idea how she was ever going to recover from this, easing her out of his arms and onto the couch they sat wrapped in their own little bubble until Kim fell asleep. She wasn't sleeping much, just short catnaps until they sedated her at night. Last night she refused anything and was restless all night so he was happy to let her sleep now and Adam was also more than happy just to sit with her. Pulling the rug off the back of the couch he tucked it around his wife as he eased her down so that she had her head in his lap. Once she was settled he leant his head back and closed his eyes and tried not to think.

When he felt Kim stirring he dragged his eyes open and looked down to find her staring back up at him. "You look weary."

"I'm okay. Are you hungry? I can get you something to eat." He looked at the clock and it was almost 2pm and neither of them had eaten since breakfast.

"Yeah, maybe. You know what I feel like?" He would get her anything she wanted. "A coffee, one of your coffees."

Adam always made them a coffee in the mornings from his coffee machine. Grinding his own beans Kim could always tell when Adam was up by the smell that filled the house but she hadn't had one since they found out she was pregnant. It had been a struggle even though early on the smell of it made her nauseous when the morning sickness was at its worst. "That coffee in the hospital left a lot to be desired." He'd had more than a few cups of it but Kim baulked at it. "I'll make you a coffee. Anything else?"

"Surprise me."

They were both a little overwhelmed to find that they had a fully stocked fridge and freezer of food and meals. Someone had been busy and it was appreciated. Now that they looked around there house was spotless, all the washing was done, the beds stripped and remade, the bathroom gleamed, the lawns were mowed and they literally didn't have to do or touch anything and their dining room was overflowing with flowers but they weren't ready to read all the messages on the cards just yet. Tomorrow was soon enough.

Kim asked to take the coffee out and sit on the back deck. She'd hadn't seen daylight in days and it was a beautiful warm sunny day with not a single cloud in the sky and the thought of getting some sun on her face was appealing. She sipped the coffee slowly, taking a while to adjust to the taste again. "You know what I'd like to do?"

Adam rolled his head to the side so he was looking at her and waited to hear what she had to say.

"I'd like to have a party here. In a couple of weeks, you know not a party but a memorial service here for Leo, but I want to call it a party. Memorial Service sounds depressing."

"I think that would be nice."

"You wouldn't mind?"

"Not at all." Adam had been adamant that the actual funeral service for Leo would be small and personal. He didn't want people he barely knew or saw sharing what was going to be a very painful personal experience. His parents, Nicole and Zoe and their family from work were the only ones who had been informed of the details of Leo's funeral. It had upset Kim a little when she thought that he didn't want to acknowledge Leo and keep him and their pain hidden but that wasn't the reason at all. He just struggled with dealing with other people's grief, his was a heavy enough but those few select people would always help him carry it without question.

"Are you sure?"

"Yes, Kim I am sure."

They had also decided that their house was not going to be a shrine to Leo. They had photos of him, his handprints and footprints and a small piece of his dark hair but there was no plan to have them on display. It's not that they were ever going to forget him but right now it was just too painful.

They had been offered a variety of things to memorialise Leo and they found some of them downright creepy, they didn't want a cast of his hands or feet and Adam was horrified when they were offered a cast of his face. His sweet little face, there was no way he was letting anyone put anything over his face. They were very particular about the photo's that were taken and once they were done that was it. Leo was in their heart, forever and they did not need jewellery, castings or videos of them bathing or loving Leo to remember him. The photos showed their pain but never their son's. There was only one photo of his sweet sleeping face taken not long after he was born with both his parent's hands on his back and he looked peaceful.

That was all they needed.


	9. A Mistake

Adam was struggling to cope; understandably people were worried about Kim. Not as much as he was and he was overwhelmed with offers of help and he felt bad when he kept turning people away but he didn't want help, he didn't want to think that he couldn't give Kim everything she needed. He didn't want to let her down.

Kim asked him constantly if he was okay but no one else really asked him how he was doing, they would in passing but no one really sat him down and asked him what he needed. No one noticed that he was starting to drown in his grief.

When he had to take Kim back to the hospital the cracks were starting to appear in his tough façade.

The day after they came home from hospital Kim's milk came in, they had been told to prepare for it but it was still another painful reminder of what they had lost when her breasts were suddenly engorged and painful. This was supposed to be for Leo, this was the best thing for him and was going to keep him healthy and make him grow big and strong, except he never got the chance.

Adam got Kim in the shower and it hurt to watch her crying as she tried to force some of the milk out to ease the pain. She was worried that by expressing some of the milk it would make her produce even more so she tried to do as little as possible, much to her detriment. Kim didn't want Adam to worry so she never told him how painful it was and neither did she tell him it was getting worse by the day.

Three days later, the day after the funeral Kim collapsed, he'd guessed she wasn't well at the funeral but the service was incredibly difficult for them and he didn't want to keep nagging her. He heard the thump as she got out of bed and hit the floor. All night she'd been hot and cold and Adam had convinced her to take some Advil when he touched her forehead and she was burning up. He shot out of bed and was completely panic stricken when she was crying in agony as he tried to pick her up off the floor.

Adam carried her through the doors at Chicago Med and it was only by luck that the security doors opened as Adam rushed forward and he yelled out to Maggie. "Help me, Maggie."

She grabbed a wheelchair but Adam refused to let Kim go until he got her onto a bed. "What happened?" Maggie popped on a mask to give Kim some oxygen just as Natalie came in and Adam was out of his mind.

"She was running a fever all night and collapsed when she got up out of bed. It was Leo's funeral yesterday and it was a tough day. You need to help her."

"Adam, we will." Natalie rested her hand on Adam's arm. He refused to move and stood by her bed, holding her hand as Natalie and Maggie checked her out and asked Kim a few questions. She was lucid enough but obviously unwell and in pain yet she was still able to answer their questions. "Are you in pain? Where does it hurt?"

"It's my boobs." She whispered painfully.

"What the fuck?" Adam was horrified when they lifted Kim's top and he saw how red and inflamed her breasts were. They were hot to touch and Kim was in horrific pain. Why didn't she tell him?

It was another kick in the guts when they learnt that Kim had developed mastitis and had a rampant infection. She'd seen the red streaky marks yesterday but ignored them. She knew Adam would freak out if he knew, as he was acutely aware of every single thing that was going on and what was meant to happen. It was how he was dealing with all this chaos, by focussing on the processes and trying to anticipate and understand everything Kim was going through.

Kim tried to protest about being admitted for IV antibiotics. The last place she wanted to be was back in hospital but she needed to stay for a few nights and they were concerned that she would develop an abscess that would need to be drained and as she was already three days into this it had the ability to turn nastier and become potentially life threatening for Kim quite quickly. Unfortunately for them the best place Kim was Obstetrics and that was a bitter pill to swallow but for Adam getting Kim whatever medical attention she needed was his priority. "Sweetheart, I don't want you to be here either but I want you to get better more than anything. That's all I care about, I need you to get better."

"It's never getting better Adam. It just keeps coming. It's never going to stop hurting."

He leant his elbows on the bed, his face close to hers. "It's not always going to be like this Sweetheart'. We will get through this little bit and I will take you home. I promise."

Once they got up to the ward he had to endure watching Kim's anguished cries as they massaged her breasts and relieved some of the pressure from the build up of milk. Adam had been stunned when he had seen the bright red streaks and lumps on her breasts when they took a look downstairs. He even momentarily felt a bubble of anger rise inside him; she should have told him, he should have noticed it. Every time someone hugged her yesterday she looked like she was in pain, and she obviously was emotionally but also physically. He didn't know about the physical pain though and he was angry with himself for being so caught up in his own grief that he didn't notice Kim's deteriorating health.

He stayed until Kim was settled in her room before he dashed home to get her a change of clothes and some personal items; they'd left home in such a rush because of how unwell Kim was and Adam had panicked. He would do whatever she wanted or help her when she needed something but he was barely sleeping or eating and he was smart enough to know that it wasn't good for him but he just didn't have the energy to care about himself right now.

"Adam." He heard her desperate scream as he came through the doors to the ward and broke into a run and his heart was in his throat.

"What's wrong? What happened?" He literally flew across the room, dropping the bag he was carrying at the door when he saw Kim being held down by three people. "What are you doing? Don't touch her; get off her. Get the fuck off her." They let her go and Kim flung herself at Adam desperately as he looked for answers from the others in the room.

"There was a mistake."

"A mistake." Kim screamed. He didn't need to look at Kim to see her pain; he could hear it in her voice and feel it in her body and it wasn't physical pain she was buckling under.

Kim had been asleep when she felt someone shake her awake. "Kim, this little one is hungry." For the briefest of moments she thought she was dreaming but then she heard the cry of a baby and her eyes flew open to see a nurse standing there with a crying baby. She blinked a few times to make sure it was real.

"Oh God, oh god." The horror of it hit Kim smack in the face. "No, no, no." Kim shook her head and was barely able to think, this was a nightmare.

"Feeding when you have mastitis is painful but it is the best thing for you and your baby." The woman completely ignored Kim as she reached for her wristband. "Let's just check your name."

"That's not my baby." She snatched her arm away. "Get out."

Finally the nurse tried to smile. "Sorry, I must have the wrong room."

"Get out. Get out. Oh God." She gasped. That bought another nurse running into the room and she hissed at the woman to ' _get that baby out of here.'_

"Kim." The new nurse tried to get her to calm down. Her arms were flailing and she'd ripped out her IV and was trying to get out of bed, she had to get out of here. The nurse slammed her fist onto the emergency call button, which bought several more people into the room. "It was a mistake, I'm sorry. Kim, I need you to calm down and breathe for me."

"No, No No, don't touch me. Where's Adam?" She was still flinging her arms around, pushing everyone away as they came at her. She felt overwhelmed and frightened and she was struggling to breathe. "Adam." She screamed as three people tried to hold her down and that's all Adam saw when he came through the door.

"What mistake?" He growled as he tried desperately to soothe Kim. She was bleeding from the arm, shaking uncontrollably and he could feel her heart racing. Even they way she was holding onto him he knew exactly what she was feeling; this was utter devastation.

"Unfortunately one of our staff members mistakenly bought a baby in for Kim to feed."

Adam felt like he'd just been kicked in the guts as he heard Kim gasping for air. He took a moment to let it sink in; he couldn't believe what he was hearing. Surely they weren't that stupid. "What?"

"She got the wrong room."

"Get the fuck out of this room now." He hissed turning his back on them and shielding Kim. He also knew what was about to happen when Kim started shaking and her breathing suddenly become shallow and he jumped out of the way as she vomited. Adam helped her out of the bed which was now soaked in blood and vomit. Just when they thought that this nightmare couldn't get any worse.

"Kim you need to breathe." One of the nurses tried to control the situation and rested her hand on Kim's back. Adam warned her again not to touch his wife who he was desperately trying not to drop; she was distraught. He'd held her many times when she was heartbroken and barely able to breathe due to her sobbing but this was something else, this was beyond anything he'd even seen and it killed him and he'd never been so angry in his entire life.

He at least let them change the sheets on the bed and then told them to leave, they'd already been in here too long and Kim wasn't coping at all and that was his priority as he picked her up and lay her back onto bed. "I don't want to be here." She protested weakly.

"We need to fix up Kim's arm, she's still bleeding."

"Don't you fucking touch her." His voice was menacing and he knew he was probably being a bit of a dick and fully expected security to come marching through the door any minute but he would happily take them on. He'd call the whole fucking Intelligence team in if he had too.

"Adam." The nurse tried to placate him.

"I said get the fuck out." He snatched the compress from the nurse's hand and held it over the IV site to stem the bleeding.

"I'm sorry sweetheart. I'm so sorry I bought you here but I didn't know what else to do, I should never have left you alone." He rocked her gently until he felt her relax her grip on him. He never should have left her, his first instinct was to call someone to go pick up some things but he stupidly thought he could do it all. He just kept thinking that he was all Kim needed.

"Take me home, Adam. I want to go home, I want to go home." Hearing the sad desperation in her voice never ceased to bring him to his knees.

Every time someone knocked on the door he made it very clear that they were not welcome. He didn't even need to speak he just glared at them and they retreated. He couldn't actually speak; he was that wild.

He finally got Kim to sleep, he felt the trauma of the last few hours suck the last of her energy and while he may have calmed her down the longer he thought about it the more his gut churned and he was furious. When Adam lost his temper god help anyone who was in his way and he was definitely on the warpath.

He stormed up to the desk. "Tell me what I need to sign. I am taking her home." He barked at whoever was closest. It was a nurse that he hadn't seen in Kim's room but the way she was drilling the two other nurses who were standing in front of her looking anything but happy Adam figured she was in charge.

She introduced herself as Veronica, the nurse manager. "Adam, I understand you are upset."

"Upset." He spluttered, his eyes were spitting fire and his voice was trembling. "I am beyond upset. How the fuck do you take someone else's baby into a grieving mother to feed? Five days ago we lost our baby, our son and you just stand there and say sorry, it's a mistake. How the fuck does that happen? Tell me? Because I'd really like to hear one goddamn plausible reason to explain how you fucked up so badly?"

"It was an unfortunate mistake."

"A mistake? Stop saying that; it's sheer fucking incompetence. Is it not bad enough that we are on this bloody ward as it is? Don't you think we've suffered enough? I'm taking her home."

"Firstly, I am going to ask you to stop with the swearing. I won't tolerate it. I understand you are angry, believe me I am too." Adam held up his hand and apologised. "Your wife needs antibiotics, she is unwell…"

"You think I don't know that."

"Adam, I understand that this is the last place you want to be but it is the best place for Kim right now."

"No it's not. The best place for my wife is home with me." He slapped his chest angrily, his emotions barely under control. "With me."

"We will call Doctor Sanderson and see what she says, but I think she will want you to stay the night at least."

"You tell her I am taking Kim home. You get her down here." He tapped his finger angrily on the desk before he turned on his heel, not waiting for a reply and headed back to Kim's room and thankfully she was still asleep and that was the best thing for her right now. He rested his forehead on hers and tried to catch his breath as he whispered to her that he was sorry and that he was going to work it out but she didn't even stir.

Standing at the window he stared out into the fading afternoon sunshine trying to calm his mind and clear his thoughts. Realistically he knew that Kim needed to be here and the thought that he was putting her at risk by taking her home galled him but they couldn't stay here, he would transfer her to a private hospital if he had too, they couldn't afford it but he find a way, he would hire a private nurse if that meant they could get out of here. He promised her he was going to take her home and he needed to figure out exactly how he was going to do that.

He reached for his phone and called Halstead. "Jay, can you give me Will's number?"

"Sure, what's up? Is Kim okay?"

"Kim's in hospital. She collapsed at home this morning and she's got mastitis and some raging infection. We are in Med."

"Shit man, what can we do?"

"I need Will's number. This fucking place has just bought a baby into her room and asked her to feed it."

"What the hell?"

"Jay, I need to take her home but she needs meds. Do you think Will can help? She can't stay here. I need to take her home. Please." He was begging. He didn't know what else to do.

"Hey Ruz, I'll call Will right now and get him to come up and sort it out. What else can I do?"

"Just call Will." He snapped, instantly regretting that he was a rude to someone who was just trying to help. "Thanks." He added quickly. "I appreciate it. Jay I need to help her, I need to take Kim home."

Within ten minutes Will Halstead was in their room. He beckoned Adam outside and they both talked to Dr Sanderson, who was absolutely livid once she'd heard what had gone on. The nursing staff had called her about changing Kim's medication orders but neglected to tell her why Adam wanted to take her home. All they told her was that Kim was struggling with being on the postnatal ward and that Adam wanted to take her home AMA. "They took a baby in to her room and asked her to feed it." Every time Adam thought about it the anger bubbled up within him. "I don't want her here anymore. Will can come and give her the antibiotics. Please let me take her home." He begged Dr Sanderson.

Will agreed to take care of it and if Adam agreed to wait another two hours so that Kim could have her next dose he could take her home tonight. It was a big commitment from Will as Kim needed antibiotics every six hours for the next few days. The risk of changing Kim to oral antibiotics too soon was that the infection that was attacking her body, when she was already in such a vulnerable state would take hold and that could become extremely dangerous. Dr Sanderson made it very clear the risk he was taking and Adam was torn, he didn't want to be here and knew that it was not helping Kim come to terms with the loss of Leo but he didn't want to put her health at risk either. Will offered to organise Natalie, April and Maggie to help out and they would stay with them for the next 24 hours at least, by then Kim should be starting to show some improvement. Adam also promised that if Will decided she needed to come back in he wouldn't argue. Everyone was more than willing to help them out, nobody should have to go through this and Adam couldn't keep doing it alone.

"What do you want?" Kim snapped when she looked at the two nurses who came in to give her the last dose of antibiotics. She'd been narky with Adam when he told her that he'd agreed to wait until her next dose. She just wanted to go home and he told her that if she just stayed for two more hours then he would carry her home if need be.

"I want to apologise for my mistake." It was then that Adam realised that this was the woman who had bought the baby in and he was glad that he was currently on the other side of the bed and Kim was holding onto him otherwise he might just lose his shit.

"I don't accept it. Get out of my room." Kim was so far from ready to concede any ground, when Kim held a grudge she didn't let it go easily as this woman was fast finding out.

"Kim."

"You can call me Mrs Ruzek thank you." Adam felt the smallest of smiles creep across his face. He knew Kim was seriously pissed; she hated being called Mrs Ruzek.

"Mrs Ruzek, I feel terrible and it should never have happened."

Adam wondered if he should say anything but Kim seemed to be doing fine without his help so he squeezed her hand and let her go. "No, it shouldn't have, but I guess that just shows your stupidity. And here's something for you to chew on, perhaps if I had a baby to feed I wouldn't be in this god-forsaken place with mastitis because my little boy would never have let this happen to me." Adam was proud of her; he loved seeing her fight coming back. This was his wife in full flight, tough, strong, and determined. Just because they didn't have Leo with them didn't mean his mother was any less passionate about him. "Do you have any idea how painful this is? Not just because I have this fucking infection but because yesterday I buried my son and you bring in a baby and tell me that the best thing I can do for my baby is to feed him. I wish it were that simple; I would have fed him all day and night if I thought that would make a difference. He never got the chance and neither did I."

"I am sorry for you loss."

"You don't know me, I don't care if you feel sorry for me. All I want is for this to be over and you made it worse. Please, can you just leave us alone?" She rolled away from the woman and sought out Adam who leaned down and whispered how proud he was in her ear and wiped away more of her tears.

As soon as the IV was disconnected Adam made good on his promise and took Kim home.

Kim was finally tucked up safely in her own bed and sleeping and Adam had sat beside her until she finally drifted off, the events of the day, coupled with her illness had drained all her energy. Will convinced him to take a break, promising that he would sit with her. Adam was pushing himself too hard to look after Kim and while he may not have seen it, everyone else could sense he was on the edge.

When Jay turned up and put his arm on Adam's shoulder he lost it and Jay caught him as he crumbled and he held onto his buddy and let him cry it out.


	10. Right To The Edge

"Adam." Kim cried out in the middle of the night. She'd woken suddenly and reached for him but his side of the bed was cold and empty. "Adam." Her breathing was becoming shallow and rapid as she started to panic.

The room was dark and it freaked her out, it hadn't been this dark for days. The quiet they could handle but neither of them wanted to be in the dark so they always left a light on. Slowly she eased herself out of bed and her legs wobbled a little when she took a shaky step and she suddenly hit the floor with a thud when they gave out. She felt weak and pathetic. "Adam." She sobbed. Where was he? He promised not to leave her. Suddenly the door opened and the room was flooded with light.

"Kim." Will Halstead was at her side. "Lie still." He pushed her shoulders down gently as she tried to get up. "Are you hurt?"

"No? I just got dizzy. Where's Adam?"

"He's asleep downstairs."

"Why?"

Will helped her up and sat her on the edge of the bed. He checked her pulse, blood pressure, which was a little low but not alarmingly so and her IV site. "He needed to sleep. He's running on empty."

"He doesn't want to sleep with me anymore?" Kim started to hyperventilate and she pushed Will out of the way and reached for the bucket that was beside her bed and emptied the contents of her stomach. Again she was vomiting from a combination of anxiety and the anti-biotics. It was starting to worry Will at little but Kim begged him to let her stay home and not tell Adam.

"Kim, just listen." He handed her a damp washcloth. They had a few handy because she had vomited a few times throughout the evening. "Adam was pretty upset. Today was rough for him and may have been the straw that broke the camel's back; he just needed to sleep. Jay came over to sit with him and they had a few drinks."

"So he's drunk." It was hard to miss the bitterness in her voice.

"No, he had a few drinks that's all. He's barely eaten all day and it knocked him out. We put him in the spare room to get him to give himself a couple of hours sleep. Jay said he hasn't been sleeping much."

"I need him."

"And I am guessing that when you wake up in a few hours time he will be here. He's so desperate to help you and be with you but he is not looking after himself." Will helped Kim up and into the bathroom. "Adam can't help you if he's sick too." He left her in there while he emptied and rinsed out the bucket in the main bathroom. It had been a long time since he had to do this and he hadn't missed it.

They had been worried about Adam most of the evening. He was barely in control and Will had lied a little to Kim because Adam had probably had a few drinks too many but he was going to blow a gasket if he kept going the way he was. It got him to release the pressure at little and as long as it didn't become a habit or a crutch one night wasn't going to hurt.

Jay had copped the brunt of it and was feeling it the next morning as he trudged into work. He placed both hands on the bench and leant forward, letting his head sag forward. What he really needed was a long hot shower and a nice long run to clear his head but instead he'd barely got home for five minutes and he was back out the door and into work.

"You walk into a door?" Kev nodded in Jay's direction and held out his coffee cup to fill.

"Ruz's fist actually."

"Ruzek?"

"Yeah, yesterday was rough. They had a really crappy day." Jay topped up his own mug once he'd filled Kevin's.

"They doing alright?"

"Not really. Pretty shit actually." They had obviously all been with them two days ago for the funeral and that was tough, really tough on Kim and Adam and on the rest of them but they all felt they were hanging in there though. "Kim's sick with some infection due to her milk or something…" those details were still a bit confusing for him. "…and he had to take her into Med. There was a huge fuck up and someone bought a baby into Kim's room. Ruz had just gone home to get some things for her because she had to stay for a few days."

"Jesus. What the hell?"

"It was a huge fuck up. Ruz, as you can imagine lost his shit and he called me in a panic. He was going to take her home AMA so we got Will to agree to look after her with a few of the guys from Med. Ruz took her home and I went over last night, he was pretty wild and he knocked back a few then took a few swings at us before we calmed him down and got him into bed and to sleep it off." He pointed to his bruised cheek and forced himself to laugh. "I didn't duck quick enough."

"I know everyone is all over Kim, Ruz included but I'm worried about him too."

"Me too! Look it's only been a week, it's still so raw and they are trying to deal with things as they come up. This was nothing they were prepared for."

"How the hell does this even happen?"

"No idea." They headed back out into the bullpen when everyone else started wandering in. "Apparently it was pretty horrific and Kim was hysterical. You can imagine how Ruz handled it?"

Kevin shuddered a little. "Not well I am guessing."

"He's beside himself." Although nothing about this was even mildly amusing Jay chuckled. "I think more than a few people are still cowering in corners after Ruzek went at them."

Jay had a few rough hours last night. When Adam finally stopped sobbing and wiped his face he thought the worst was over. "We got you bud." Jay patted his back.

"I need a drink." He pushed himself up off the couch and came back with two glasses and a bottle. Jay wasn't sure this was a good idea but surely one glass wouldn't hurt. It was the fourth and fifth ones that did him in.

"They were holding her down, like physically holding her down and she was screaming." Adam threw back another shot. "What the fuck is that?" Jay sensed he was getting angry and he couldn't blame him, seeing Kim being held against her will and so distressed would have sent him off the edge too. Jay knew that this was all part of the process but he wasn't sure how far they could let him go. "These fucking people who bought her a baby to feed, a fucking baby and all they said was sorry, it was a mistake."

"It was a mistake." Adam cut his eyes at Jay and Jay had to admit it made him cringe just a little. "A big fucking mistake that never should have happened. You have every right to be angry."

"They keep kicking man, they keep kicking Kim, she's down and it just keeps happening. I don't want this for her, I can't help her."

"Oh Man, you are. You have been with Kim every single minute."

"And I left her and this happened."

"Mate, you didn't know. You were doing your best and now she's home and we are going to help you and we are going to help Kim."

Adam barely seemed to hear him. "She had a dead baby inside her…inside her." He poured himself another shot. "She had to give birth to a dead baby, my dead baby." He downed it and threw the glass against the far wall, shattering it like his heart was shattered. "Leo is supposed to be here with us. I want my baby, I want my son."

As he stood up he wobbled a little and Jay realised that he was pretty drunk and Jay did his best to stop him dragging himself upstairs and disturbing Kim. He was in no fit state to be with her right now. The anger was peeling off him in waves, he was drunk and Kim would freak out. The smashing glass bought Will flying downstairs and they both wrangled with Adam to try and control him and it was no easy feat. Adam wasn't some small little weakling and he was currently fuelled by hurt and anger and alcohol.

"Adam." Will rested his hand on his chest. "Kim's asleep. Let her sleep."

"Get your hand off me." He pushed him away and when Jay stepped in that's when Ruzek clocked him.

"Come on Adam. You know Kim needs to sleep, she doesn't need to worry about you right now." Will continued to try and placate him.

"She's my wife, I want to see her. You can't stop me. Let me see her, please."

"She's asleep, she's safe. Trust me, if you want her to stay home then Kim needs to rest, she needs to stay calm and that's the best thing for her. You know what happens when she gets stressed, she vomits and if she does that then the drugs won't work and then I can't help her here. You want me to take her back in?" It was probably a step too far to threaten to take Kim back to hospital but at this stage they were willing to do anything.

"No, you are not taking her away. She's not going back there." He shoved Will in the chest and Jay wrapped his arms around him to stop him charging up the stairs.

"Okay, okay. Then let me do my job and do what I think is best for Kim." Will didn't take a backward step but he was glad his brother was here. "That's what you asked me to do, to take care of Kim so that you can keep her here at home. Let me do that."

Jay felt the precise moment it sunk in when his body suddenly relaxed and after a couple of minutes he agreed to let Kim sleep and they convinced him to just lie down for a little bit himself. It had been like trying to herd a mob of rabid cats but he actually sighed when his head finally hit the pillow. "When you have a few hours sleep then you can go up and stay with Kim and if Kim needs you we will come and get you, I give you my word." Adam nodded and Jay slept on the couch and left the next morning before Ruzek had even stirred.

When Adam woke up he certainly felt like he'd been hit by a truck. Taking just a moment to gather his bearings he flew out of the room when he realised, by the amount of light flooding through the open blinds that it was later than he expected. He did remember going to bed, he also remembered being a bit of an asshole but it was the realisation that he'd been down here for hours and that meant that he wasn't with Kim and he hadn't been away from her for more than an hour through all this that pissed him off.

He was surprised to see April sitting on the couch, Will had a shift to get to so she had come over to sit with Kim until Adam was awake. "Hey sleepy head." She smiled at Adam who wasn't looking exactly cheery.

"Where's Kim? Is she okay?"

"She is, she's asleep." April nodded her head upstairs, not that he was likely to wait for permission. Will had certainly filled her in on the whole saga of last night and keeping Adam away from Kim any longer wasn't in anyone's best interest or for the faint hearted.

He sat on the edge of their bed and ran his hand over Kim's hip. He felt her forehead and he was relieved to find that she was not as hot as yesterday. There was a half drunk coffee and some left over toast beside her bed and he was pissed that he'd been left to sleep so late. "Hey, Darlin.' How you feeling?" He stroked Kim's cheek as she opened her eyes.

"Better."

"You've eaten?"

"Yes."

Adam frowned a little at her short answers. "That's good. You've had your Antibiotics?" He noticed the bucket beside the bed. "Have you been sick?"

"No."

"Do you want to get up and have a shower? I can check with April?" Kim shook her head. He ploughed on, it wasn't the first time in the last few days that their conversations were short and terse but fortunately they generally didn't last long. "I'm going to grab a shower? Is that ok?"

"Do whatever you want."

"Well that's more than a one word answer, I guess I should be grateful."

"You were drunk last night?"

Adam nodded; there was no point in denying it. "I had a few, yes."

"Did it make you feel better?" She certainly wasn't asking him that in a way that made him feel like she was concerned about him.

"Oh okay. You are pissed." Adam sat back a little but his hand was still sitting on her hip and he made circles with his thumb. "No, it didn't actually. I still feel like utter shit, I am still worried about you, I am still heartbroken." He dropped his head a little. "I was an idiot. I hit my best friend."

And just like that it was over and the conversation shifted. "Adam."

"What? Kim, I know yesterday was tough for you but it was no walk in the park for me either. I hated what happened at the hospital I was so angry, I'm still angry and seeing you so devastated, seeing people holding you down, do you have any idea how that made me feel? I am angry at myself because I left you there and that happened. I know this isn't about me but I hate that you are sick, I hate it, I hate all of it."

"I was scared." Kim felt the need to explain what happened last night to help him understand why she was angry with him. "Last night I woke up and you weren't here. I know it's stupid. I can't do this without you. I tried to come and find you and I got up and I fell."

Adam thought he couldn't feel any worse than he already did, but he was wrong. This was like being kicked in the balls. He pulled back the sheets and ran his hands over Kim. "Are you hurt?"

"No. Will checked me over. Your over protective house guards did their jobs."

"Good. Kim I'm sorry."

"Adam, it's okay. I was just panicked a little, it was stupid." She smiled a little. "I don't think Will appreciated cleaning up my spew though. He's going to send you a bill."

"You were sick again?" He ran his hand over her cheek. "This morning, you ate and you are okay right?" He had no idea what he'd do if Kim had to go back to hospital.

"I am fine now. Please stop worrying."

Adam helped her sit up a little and shook his head. "No can do."

"You know what I'd like? I'd like you to help me have a shower and then maybe we can sit out back for a bit. I need to feel the sun on my face. I feel like I am suffocating in here."

"Your wish is my command." He leant forward and kissed her softly. "I love you."

"It's a feeling that we still have in common."

He checked with April and they covered her IV site and Adam helped her shower. For a tall, fit and strong man who did everything at a million miles an hour and was not known for wearing kid gloves Adam was surprisingly gentle with Kim when he needed to be. Initially she hadn't wanted Adam to see her post baby body, it was a constant reminder of what they didn't have but he never even commented on it, he just didn't see it, all he saw was his wife and he thought she was beautiful. He rubbed her back lightly as she expressed off some milk from her still painful breasts and even let him feel the lumps in them, which had shocked him. "God Kim." He was horrified. "I can't believe you didn't tell me."

"I didn't want to deal with it. I thought if I ignored it, it would go away. It's embarrassing."

"What?"

"I can't even do this right."

"Please don't say that. You are doing the best you can, its not pretty, none of this is and I can't imagine how horrific all this is for you. I want to help, anyway I can. Just promise me you will tell me next time."

Then they sat outside. Adam liked having the weight of her on his chest as she shuffled back between his legs and he tucked her head under his chin. The sun was calming for both of them. Adam's hangover had been pushed way back in his mind but it was still there so lying here for an hour or so was as perfect as their lives were going to get right now.

"Are you still going to take leave?" Kim asked him suddenly.

"Huh? What?" His eyes had been closed and he wasn't really paying attention to anything. Adam had booked two weeks leave for when Kim had the baby. He wanted to spend the first couple of weeks at home with his family. "Of course. I don't want to think about work just yet."

"Okay."

"What about you?" It was always their plan that Kim would take a year off. They thought that they could manage that and it was something Kim really wanted to do. "Have you thought about what you want to do?"

"No." Kim was a little short.

"Kim, whatever you want to do you know I will support you."

"I know." He felt her relax again and snuggle into him. Right now, it was where she felt the most calm, when Adam was with her and she had no idea how she was going to cope when he wasn't around once he went back to work.

"About this party?"

"You've changed your mind?" Kim was always worried that Adam was not going to want to do it. The funeral had been really rough for him and while he put on a brave face in the hours before and after he let Kim see how much he was hurting and how much he was trying to push people away.

"No, but I don't want to think about it until you are better."

"It might help me take my mind off it."

"I am sure it will but at the moment I can see how even the effort of walking downstairs tires you out. Right now I can see how exhausted you are; I can feel it." He tightened his arms around her shoulders and kissed the top of her head. She'd lost weight, in a few short days he could see it when he helped her shower and she was weak. Despite being vastly improved from yesterday Kim was still unwell, she tired easily, slept a lot and had no energy. "You don't need the stress and I don't need the stress of worrying about you more than I already am."

"Just say it Adam, you don't want to do it." Kim struggled to get out of his arms and sit up and despite not wanting to let her go he released his grip. "You want to forget him."

"Don't you even go there." He snapped. "How can I forget him? How can you even think that?"

"Sorry, I'm sorry." Kim rested a hand on his chest. "I'm sorry Adam. That was unfair."

His voice trembled. "That's my son. He will always be my son and I miss him."

Kim leant forward and kissed her husband gently. "I know you do." She leant her forehead on his and she could feel that he was still angry. "Forgive me."

"I worry about you every single second of the day."

"I worry about you too." She lay back down. "I just need to do this, say goodbye for the last time and then figure out what's next."

"Okay, okay." Adam brushed her hair back from her forehead and pressed a gentle kiss to the smooth skin as she drifted off to sleep again. If it made her feel better, or take her mind off things she could do whatever she wanted. He wasn't going to stop hovering over her though.

He pulled a rug over her, shifted slightly so that he was a little more comfortable and closed his eyes.


	11. Little Lion Cub

At least the sky was blue.

Crystal clear and blue when they woke up the day of the party, Kim tried to sneak out of bed without disturbing Adam, but it was futile. He was awake; as soon as she got up he would wake because he was so attuned to her right now. In the past she could get up and he wouldn't even stir but not anymore. Kim opened the blinds so that they could lie in bed and see the beautiful day outside before climbing back in and grabbing hold of Adam's hand. "It's going to be perfect." He whispered.

"Is it?"

"Yes, everyone we want to see and thank is going to be here."

"Except Leo."

"Except Leo." Adam agreed with her. It was a sweet few minutes that they spent talking about him. Lying facing each other in bed, their hands entwined.

"He would have been so handsome like his Daddy." Kim ran one hand through his wild looking hair. "I think he would have had your eyes."

"Do you regret not looking?"

"Not really. It seemed so invasive. Do you?"

"No." He'd seen too many lifeless eyes; he didn't want to see his son's. "But he had your eyelashes, long and dark, the girl's would have loved it." He ran one finger over her eye as she closed them, and then he kissed her softly. "And your beautiful lips."

"He was perfect wasn't he?"

"He always will be. Nothing will ever change him. I would love pulling my hair out in sixteen years time when he was running amok like I did but instead I get this. This beautiful boy that will never be spoiled and I get to always share him with you."

"He was lucky to have you as his Daddy." Kim could listen to him talk about their son all day. She struggled some days to talk about him but she loved listening to Adam, he loved his baby. From the day she told him she was pregnant Adam had embraced the thought of being a Dad, he had so many plans and hopes and dreams and it was cruel to see that snatched away from him.

Adam took a little bit of a gamble and snaked his arm around Kim's waist and pulled her body against his. "I want to kiss you." His eyes never left her face and she nodded and let him kiss her, not just softly. She welcomed his loving kiss, losing herself in him for a few minutes. It was needy and passionate and left them both a little breathless. Sometimes you didn't need words.

They took their time that morning. Adam got up and made them a coffee and they sat outside and contemplated the day ahead of them. It was going to be bittersweet, they wanted to be surrounded by the love of their friends and share Leo with them but it was also their last farewell. They'd said goodbye to him physically at the hospital, they had his funeral with their family and now this. It was the last time and that was a bitter pill to swallow.

Kim wanted was people to wear blue, she was wearing yellow and had picked out a yellow shirt for Adam but everyone else was in blue. There were no gifts, flowers or speeches. Kim didn't want it to be a wake, it wasn't meant to be a morbid reflection of their loss but a celebration of a little soul who had touched their hearts and a thank you to all their families and friends who had helped them from the moment Kim announced her pregnancy until they said goodbye to Leo. It was a chance to spend some time with the people who meant the most to them.

Adam and Kim held hands and quietly went around and thanked everyone personally who had helped them along the way. Will and Natalie had stuck around well after Kim had recovered from her mastitis to make sure it didn't come back, April and Maggie had been patient with Kim when she struggled to be nice while they massaged her breasts to get the lumps out and unblock her milk ducts and cried with her when her milk finally disappeared. That was a torturous time for Kim and something she struggled with, which had shocked them both a little. Kim didn't want her milk to come in or deal with it when it finally happened, then she had the mastitis and despite all that when the milk had dried up it came with the realisation that her body had finally accepted that she did not have a baby to feed. And that was a painful blow.

They had a lot of people to thank. Some of their friends had done a lot and for others it was just a comfort to know that people cared.

They had put some of the photos of Leo out in the downstairs office and told everyone that they were welcome to look if they chose. It didn't bother them either way if people wanted to see photos of Leo or not, Adam couldn't even look at them yet but some people had asked if they had a photo and up to now they hadn't let anyone see them. Kim had chosen just a few photos of Leo, that one and only photo of his face and the rest were photos of Kim cuddling him or of this hands and feet. If Adam refused to look at the photo of him with his son, nobody else was going to see it either and that was Kim's decision but he appreciated that she understood how he felt about it.

Even when they sent a message to those select few who they wanted to give the chance to meet their baby they made it clear that they were under no obligation to do so. It was their choice. Obviously Adam's parents and Nicole came in but Zoe did not. For a young teenager death was a very confronting concept and the thought of seeing a dead baby was too much for her.

Everyone in Intelligence chose to come in and having to tell them they needed to space out their visits if they wanted to hold Leo had bought home to them all the sadness of the situation. They all held Leo and grieved along with them but they took no photos nor did they offer.

It was hard not to keep a watch of who went inside so they tried to focus on the people outside and Adam and Kim did not stray far from each other all afternoon and it was nice to see and hear the occasional laugh and smile. Adam could tell when Kim was getting tired though and insisted that she sit for a while as she refused to go inside and lie down and he was happy to see Trudy sit with her and within minutes she had Kim laughing at some outrageous story she was telling as only Trudy could.

Adam continued to mingle and she would hear his laugh occasionally so she knew he was not far away. When she hadn't heard him for a while Kim looked around nervously and she couldn't see him or hear him and that made her heart flutter just a little. Pushing herself up of the couch she caught Kevin's attention. "Where's Adam?"

"I think I saw him go inside a few minutes ago. Probably just gone to the bathroom." He flung his arm around Kim's shoulder. "Today has been good girl. It's always nice to see your smile."

"Thanks Kev. I've had a nice time."

She got the distinct impression that Kev was trying to distract her by rambling on about how good a job he and Jay had done on their backyard. "I am surprised you know how to use a lawn mower?"

"Man of mystery. That's me."

"Kevin. Where's Adam?"

By the look on Kim's face she knew the gig was up. "He just needs a minute."

"Is he okay?"

"Of course he'll be out in a minute."

"I don't believe you." Kim unhooked his arm and disappeared inside. He wasn't downstairs and Kim started to panic until she found him upstairs in their bedroom, lying on the bed with his eyes closed.

"Adam."

He sat up suddenly. "Oh, hey. You okay?"

"Me? I am fine. What are you doing up here?"

"Catching my breath." Kim sat next to him and leant into his shoulder. He grabbed her hand and kissed it. He wasn't about to tell her he was trying to calm down.

Kevin and Jay had done their best to control the situation but Adam had caught the tail end of it. Gabby had made a comment about how she knew how Kim must feel because she'd lost Louie and everyone who heard it felt that it was a little insensitive, especially today. Jay had tried to change the subject even before he saw Adam approaching their small group. He had been talking with Gabby, Kevin, Sylvie and Antonio and obviously to conversation drifted to the reason they were here and to be fair Kim and Adam didn't' want people to shy away from talking about Leo. "How's Kim really doing?" Sylvie asked Kevin and that started Gabby off.

Gabby jumped a little when Adam appeared behind her and everyone else could see that he'd heard the conversation and by the bitterness in his voice they knew he was not happy. "It must be so hard for you to look at those photos of Louie smiling and playing or to watch those videos of him singing and dancing or to look at those photos and drawings you still get. I'd say, if you tried really hard you could even remember what it felt like to have his arms wrapped around your neck? I imagine it's hard to talk to him on the phone and to come home after you have visited him." Kevin put his arm on Adam's arm but he shrugged it off. "I understand you miss your foster child who went to live in a loving home with his family, I really do but please don't compare that to this. Please don't tell Kim you know how she feels because you don't, you don't know what it's like to hold your newborn baby and know that you will never see his eyes, see him smile or hear his voice. When all you want it is to hear him crying but you get nothing."

"Adam, I'm sorry. I didn't mean it like that."

"I know you didn't, but how about you think before you speak for a change." It may have been harsh but right now he felt he had every right to be blunt. Not one person here, save for Voight knew what they were going through and his boss had never said, _I know how you feel_ but he did let them both know that he understood how hard it was for them and they had the right to feel whatever they needed to feel and handle it however they wanted and he would be there for them any time of the day or night. Adam leant in close and whispered. "Please don't ruin this day for Kim."

It was his biggest fear; that someone was going to say something to Kim that would upset her. They knew that they had some big challenges ahead of them. Having not set foot outside the house since she'd been home from the hospital they were yet to cross paths with a pregnant woman or see a baby, it had to happen though and Adam was dreading it. For now though, he wanted to stay in this little cocoon and that's why these people were here, to be part of that cocoon, so that Kim could start the process, well both of them actually of socialising and engaging with people again. That was the most important part of today as far as Adam was concerned, that they took those first steps to putting their life back together and he'd be dammed if someone was going to ruin that.

"I'm not so sure." Kim was onto him though. Perhaps a side effect of all this was they had learnt to read each other in the most intimate way and while things were still so raw they weren't able to shield the other from their own heartaches.

"You know, it's just harder than I thought."

"Someone upset you?"

"How can you tell?"

"Because Adam I know you." He refused to tell her anything and it was a frustrating few minutes for her until they agreed to talk about it later.

"Right now, we need to show our faces again before Atwater takes charge and drinks all my beer or continues to try and convince people that he is the soul reason our backyard looks presentable." He pulled Kim up off the bed and kissed her softly. "By the way, I'm so proud of you, you amaze me every day, your strength and courage is inspiring and you look happy, or as happy as you can be and that makes me feel better."

"It's been good yeah?"

"Yep." They emerged back outside hand in hand and enjoyed the rest of the afternoon. Kim got some sense of who had upset Adam when he stiffened a little as Gabby came to say goodbye. She hugged Kim and Adam was shaking Casey's hand at the time and when she looked at her husband he was stony faced.

"Your baby was beautiful." Gabby looked at the both of them.

"His name is Leo." Kim repeated softly, whenever people did this she corrected them, she slipped her arm around Adam's waist and hated that he felt so tense all of a sudden.

By the time the party started to dwindle Adam had shaken off his bad mood and when only Intelligence was left it was almost back to old times. Kim loved that Adam seemed happy to accept the usual ribbing and teasing and was giving as good as he got and for a few moments life seemed normal all of a sudden, it was brief but it was comforting because it meant that maybe, sometime in the future it wouldn't always be such a struggle.

"Now." Trudy suddenly stood up. "We know you said that there were to be no gifts or flowers or what not but we basically ignored you and have something for you both." She nodded to Al, who disappeared inside and emerged a few seconds later with a large framed painting.

Kim reached for Adam's hand when Al turned it around and set down in front of them a beautiful painting of a lion cub. It was pencil and watercolour and a little abstract but it was stunning. They had commissioned an artist to produce a one of kind picture and everyone was delighted with the outcome and judging by the look on Kim and Adam's faces they were too.

"This is from all of us, for you, for your beautiful boy Leo. We wanted to give you something as unique and precious as Leo is and to let you know, every time you look at it that we are all heartbroken too." Kim and Adam were surrounded by their family in a group hug and they both felt the love and strength envelope them.

Adam, to date had rarely spoken about Leo's death to anyone let alone to a group. Jay had been a shoulder for him to cry on one night and he talked to Kim about it but that was it. On the day of his funeral he decided to stay quiet as did Kim and he hadn't given a speech so Kim was surprised when he started to talk.

"We actually don't know how to do this, we have no idea what tomorrow brings so we are just taking it one day at a time, which is better than three weeks ago when we were just taking it one breath at a time. What I do know is that my beautiful wife has been amazingly strong and courageous and supportive through something so painful that I didn't even know this kind of heartbreak ever existed. We wanted Leo to be here with us, but he's not and it hurts every single second of everyday."

Every single person was affected by Adam's quiet words, spoken softly and without looking at anyone; he just stared at Kim's hand in his and spoke from his heart. "I know every single one of you is feeling our pain. I know you all would have made sure that I came home every day to Kim and Leo, so that's how we know you are going to help us put one foot in front of the other until we don't have to think about how to walk anymore because that's what it feels like right now. It's like we have to remind ourselves everyday how to just breathe."

He turned to Kim. "I love you so much, tell me how to help you and I will."

"You are." She leant into him and whispered quietly in his ear. "You do and I love you for every thing you've done for me especially the past few weeks when you've wiped away so many of my tears I would have drowned without you."

It was a very emotional few minutes for everyone as they watched Adam kiss Kim gently. "Okay." He let Kim wipe away his tears. "Time for a drink." He disappeared inside and returned with a bottle of bourbon and enough glasses for everyone.

Holding Kim's hand and raising his glass Adam smiled. "For our Little Lion Cub."

"For Leo."

While the whole afternoon was very pleasant it was also nice to be alone again. Kim was tired; Adam could sense it later in the afternoon and quietly asked Trudy to get people moving, without letting on to Kim that he'd asked her too. She looked like she was enjoying herself but it was a long day and he was still wary about tiring her out too much.

Adam cleared off the mantle and placed the painting up on it. "It's great, hey?" he turned to Kim who was relaxing on the couch.

"It is. I know I didn't want anything just yet but it's beautiful and the sentiment behind it probably means more." Kim grabbed a cushion and laid it in her lap for Adam to use as a headrest. "I really enjoyed today, if you know what I mean?"

"You enjoyed being around our friends and loved ones. I get that; I totally get that. You know what I enjoyed to?"

"What?"

"Hearing you laugh and seeing you smile."

"That was good yeah?" She ran her hands through his hair. "Except for that moment you had. So, want to tell me what was said today that upset you?"

"Not really."

"Okay, let me rephrase that. What did Gabby say?"

Adam laughed. "Nothing gets past you does it?"

"Not when it comes to you, no." Kim had her hand on his chest, feeling the steady rise and fall. That was something they both definitely craved lately, that feeling of movement, subtle but comforting. "What did she say?"

"Doesn't matter now."

"I think it does." Adam closed his eyes and exhaled and then opened them again and found Kim watching him. "It matters to me Adam because I don't want you to get hurt anymore."

"How sweet are you?"

"Just looking out for my main man." She flexed her arm to show her bicep. "Tell me who I need to take on and I'll take them Baby." It was the first time she'd called him Baby since the day before Leo was born and it stunned him a little but he loved it. He always had.

Adam sat up quickly and kissed her hard and fast. "I adore you."

"Oh okay." Kim chuckled and pushed him away gently. "So?"

"It was a silly comment, it wasn't deliberate and I just want to forget about it."

"Adam?"

"No Kim, it'd done. It's over and I am okay. Can we just forget about it? I am sure I've said more dumb things that you could count. It wasn't malicious."

"I know you say dumb things, you can't help yourself."

"It's one of things you find endearing."

"Hmm…" Kim mumbled sleepily. "Keep telling yourself that."

It had been a long day and emotionally challenging but they had been surrounded by those who loved them and were going to help them figure their way out of this nightmare and they both slept a little better that night.

Just a little.


	12. A Break in the Clouds

It was completely unexpected; the day just came out of the blue. "Adam?" Kim bought him out a cold drink. He was mowing the lawn and had sweat running down his bare back and it glistened in the sun and he had some music keeping him company. After a few weeks of surrounding themselves with peace and quiet now he needed music and noise to distract him. She'd watched him from the kitchen window for a while and had been surprised at the feelings that suddenly washed over her.

"What's up?" He tugged on his ear buds and gratefully took the glass from her hand.

"I need to talk to you."

"Sure." He shrugged and followed her back up onto the deck, grabbing his shirt from where he had thrown it over the railing and using it to wipe his sweaty face and chest and Kim's eyes followed him until he sat down. "You okay?"

"I am." Kim twisted her hands together tightly but she suddenly couldn't look at him. "I was watching you from the window."

"Okay?" he looked a little bemused but he was hoping he had got the gist of what she was trying to say. "You like what you see?"

"Yes." Suddenly she reached out and grabbed his hand. "I did."

"Kim, honey." He cocked his head to the side and smiled sweetly. "Spit it out Darlin'."

"I miss you."

"I'm right here."

"No, I miss you." Her eyes were pleading with him. She had no idea why she was embarrassed to tell him that she wanted to talk about having sex again. In the past neither of them were backwards in coming forwards. Sex was never an issue for them, from the moment he knocked on her door that night they knew it was meant to be and their sex life was pretty damn spectacular. It didn't sit well with Kim that it was a big issue now, so perhaps she needed to force it along little. Adam wasn't going to push her, it wasn't one thing he never did but if she told him she was ready he would help her get there, hopefully. "Like, really."

Was that a little blush he saw? "Are you hitting on me?"

"Yes… No… I think so." She stumbled finally settling on _'yes'._

"Okay." He was finding her nervousness very appealing; actually he was finding it extremely sexy. He leant back in his seat and made sure she could take in the full view of his bare torso.

"Like not right now, but maybe soon."

"How soon? After I shower, tonight, tomorrow, next week? How soon?"

"Oh, I don't know. I just want to know what you'd think about it?"

Instead of answering Adam reached forward and pulled her up out of her seat and into his lap before slamming his mouth into hers and Kim was a little stunned. "When you are ready, I will make sweet love to you."

"I'm scared though."

"About what?"

"That I'll enjoy it and it will make me happy."

"And that's a bad thing?" Adam smirked at her. "Do you want me to be terrible at it so you don't like it? I don't think I am capable of that?"

"Well sometimes Adam, it's not always great now is it?"

"It's never terrible." He tried to look hurt but Kim could see right through him. He was enjoying the banter and it was making her more comfortable with every passing minute. It felt normal, like slipping into a favourite pair of sweats at the end of the day. It felt like them.

"Remember that time, you know when you were sick and just about passed out from a fever." She screwed up her nose and shook her head playfully as she patted his cheek. "It wasn't great Baby." Her seriously never got sick of hearing her call him Baby and he never took it for granted, not anymore.

"I had a fever of 103."

"You should have said no."

One thing he did like about this conversation was how much Kim seemed to be enjoying it. She looked, dare he say it, happy. "I will never say no to you, not while I have blood flowing in my veins and I'd been at work all week, you were prancing around the bedroom in a thong, what they hell was I supposed to do?"

Kim pushed him lightly in the chest. "I was not prancing, nor was I wearing a thong, that was your delirium. I was hot because you were sweating like a pig beside me and refused to sleep in another room."

"Prancing." He corrected her. "I thought it would take my mind off it."

"What? Your 103 fever, which you so kindly passed onto me."

"I like sharing things with you."

"Sometimes I wish you wouldn't."

"Anyway." He lifted her off his lap and pushed her down in the corner of the outdoor lounge before he knelt over her. "Getting back to our original conversation. I was turning you on?"

"No." he kissed her neck. "Well a little bit." Kim let him go for a few minutes, even returning his kisses.

He made the most of the few minutes they spent getting closer before he sat up and flipped Kim's legs over his own and started running his hands up and down her beautiful legs. "So you are scared?"

"I don't want to forget Leo, do you think doing this is wrong?"

"This is not forgetting Leo, this is the two people who love him more than anything, who created him loving each other, comforting each other and finding a little bit of joy."

"So it's okay?"

"Yes Darlin', its more than okay." Kim watched as Adam traced a love heart on her leg with this finger. "Do you want to talk about anything else? Anything else scare you? Other than my awesomeness of course."

Kim patted his cheek playfully and the twinkle in her eye made him so happy. "No." she shook her head. "You should get back to the lawn though. It won't mow itself."

"You just want to watch me get all hot and sweaty again don't you?" He winked, running his hand up her thigh and under the hem of her shorts.

"Maybe, just a little." He kissed her nose as Kim stretched out on the outdoor sofa and he went back to his chores. She had enjoyed the flirting and was glad she made the effort to come outside rather than hide away and try and push the feelings away.

She laughed out loud when he started prancing around the backyard, wiggling his shorts lower on his hips and shaking his ass so she could see his butt crack. "You actually think you are hot?" She yelled across the yard.

"So fucking hot Darlin', I'm burning up."

Kim jumped up and grabbed the hose. "Let me cool you off."

"Don't you dare." He warned her playfully. "Don't you dare." But she ignored him and turned the hose on full bore and sprayed him.

Adam ran straight at her and Kim squealed as he picked her up around the waist and grabbed hold of the hose and drenched them both completely. "Not so funny now, huh?"

"Adam." Kim giggled and squealed in his arms. "I'm wet."

"Really?" he asked suggestively. "Let me see."

"Get your mind out of the gutter." She wrestled the hose from his hands and his resistance was non-existent. If he really wanted to keep it away from her he could have. He was so much stronger than her, not that Kim was a lightweight but it wasn't a battle of wills or strength. It was having fun, something that they both missed. She blasted him in the stomach and he reached for her again and in their battle for control of the hose the full stream of water copped him straight in the nuts.

"Fuck." He let her go and clutched at his balls and dropped to his knees.

"Oh God Adam." Kim couldn't stop laughing as she patted him on the back as he was on his hands and knees sucking in some deep breaths. "Are you okay?" she spluttered.

"Stop laughing."

She crouched down in front of him, trying desperately to stop herself laughing at the sheer look of agony in his eyes and his overly dramatic reaction. "Do you want me to rub them better."

"Yes." He moaned and when she reached out her hand he swatted it away it from his painfully throbbing balls. "No Baby, they are in my throat."

When Kim laughed out loud he pushed her backwards so she fell on her back onto the grass and he quickly crawled over and pinned her to the ground by straddling her hips and pinning her arms above her head. "Am I hurting you?" He asked seriously.

"No."

"Good." Adam lowered his head and started blowing raspberries on her neck. Kim squirmed and squealed beneath him and it was the happiest they'd both been in a weeks and without saying anything they were both willing each other to continue.

"Adam. Stop." Kim begged him and he stopped and looked up at her and loved the look of happiness on her face.

"Stop? You want me to stop?"

"Yes, No."

"What is it? Yes or No." He blew another raspberry on her chest.

"Yes." There was a faint twinkle in her eye and when he let go of her arms she pushed him off her and was on top of him in an instant, pining him to the ground, which Adam willingly allowed.

"Don't hurt me?" He placed both his hands over his man berries and was pleasantly surprised when Kim wiggled forward so that his knuckles were pressing into her a little. He turned one hand over and stroked her through her wet clothes. It was just a subtle move of his fingers and Kim closed her eyes for just a moment and Adam watched her face and then she moved her body away and he let her go and neither of them said a word.

"I'd never hurt you." She reached for the hose when he was distracted and managed to give him another soaking blast "But I will fight you." Again Adam turned it on her when he wrestled control until they both conceded, laughing hysterically and lay side by side on the back lawn, dripping wet.

It was like one of those days, when it's been overcast and miserable weather for weeks and then one day you get up and there is a break in the clouds and the sun is shining. That's what today felt like, a break in the clouds.

Adam jumped up and reached for her hand to help her up and wrapped his arms around her. "I'm happiest when I am with you."

"Me too."

"Let me take you out for dinner?"

"I'd like that."

Adam whistled when Kim came down stairs in a dark green halter neck dress. He was standing in front of the mantle staring at the painting, his hands shoved deep in his pockets as he rocked on his heels and a strange mix of longing and love on his face. Kim stopped and watched him for a moment, he was often here looking up at it, before she let him know she was there and he turned around. "Well look at you. Are you trying to make this hard for me?"

"What?"

"How am I supposed to keep my hands to myself?"

"Maybe I don't want you to?"

Adam didn't look too bad himself; he was wearing suit pants and a dark blue button down shirt. With her heels on Kim didn't have to reach up to kiss her husband as he snaked his arms around her waist and pulled her tight against his body. "Good." He ran his hands down over her ass. "Because I have no self control when it comes to you."

"Do I look okay?" Kim pulled away and smoothed her dress over her stomach, which was still a constant reminder and hadn't quite disappeared yet.

"You look incredibly beautiful, sexy as hell and more than anything, you are with me and every other man…" he nodded his head and smiled. "…or woman can eat my dirt."

Kim patted his cheek. They had managed to keep the joy they'd found that day alive. "You are sweet."

"I am and I am also just completely in love with you."

Dinner was quiet and romantic. They watched the world go by and giggling like teenagers. Adam had always made her laugh and she knew she'd made it hard for him over the last few weeks to know when it was okay to make a joke and when he was best to keep his mouth shut so tonight Kim focussed on just letting Adam be Adam.

"I am not sure I am quite ready yet." Kim rubbed her hand up and down his thigh on the way home. "But maybe I am ready for…" He peered at her when she stopped talking, chewing on her bottom lip.

"Darlin'?" he teased her. "Do you want to make out with me?"

"A little bit."

"Yay." He clapped his hands together. "You rock."

Kim giggled. "It sounds a little teenage doesn't it?"

"It sounds just a little bit awesome."

It was a perfect end to a perfect day, the best day they'd had for weeks and they let the calm of that day flow into the next.

They slept late, went out for brunch and went to a farmer's market and enjoyed being together.

"Hi." Adam was in the shower having been out for a run. Kim had been asleep when he went out. She seemed to have taken to having an afternoon nap lately, not that Adam thought that was a bad thing. He didn't like that Kim told him she did it because it was the only time she didn't hurt.

For him, running did the same thing. It was the only time he was able to completely switch off his mind.

"Hey." He jumped a little; she was still asleep when he crept back through the room and hadn't heard her come in. He was standing with his eyes closed, face tilted up to the showerhead and let the hot water wash over him. "You okay?"

"Yep." She looked a little nervous. "Is it okay that I'm here?"

"What? Yes."

"Just checking." She flipped the lid of the toilet down and perched herself on the edge. "I thought maybe we can do something next weekend too? Maybe go away?"

Adam would take her wherever she wanted to go if it made her happy. "Where did you have in mind?" He reached for the shampoo and squeezed some of it in his hand and Kim frowned a little. "What?" he looked at her quizzically.

"Adam you have hardly any hair and use three times as much as I do? No wonder I have to buy so much shampoo."

"But it makes my hair smell nice." Kim was mortified with what he did next. He grabbed the bottle again and squeezed out some more into the palm of his hand. "I wash my pubes with it too."

"You are feral."

"Well come in here and stop me."

"Would that be okay?" Kim looked down at the floor. When she finally looked up because Adam didn't answer her he was holding out his hand to her.

"Come here." He whispered. Adam waited while she quickly undressed and joined him. "Are you warm enough?" He made sure Kim was under the stream of hot water; it was still something that bothered him. He hated the cold; he hated being cold now and he was obsessed with making sure Kim was always warm.

"Yes."

Adam was exceptionally gentle; he grabbed some of her body wash and lathered up his hands before running them over her back and arms, massaging her shoulders before working his way over her chest and stomach. He felt her stiffen just a little so he kissed her shoulder and neck. "You are incredible." He didn't stop moving his hands. "I love you so much."

"Don't stop."

"I won't, I'll never stop loving you."

"Good to know, but I meant what you are doing."

"Same thing." He spun her round and crushed his mouth to hers. Adam wound his hands through her hair as he kept kissing her. Kim's hands were suddenly on his back, pulling him closer and she felt him relax and he moaned a little and Kim could tell how much he liked it.

She didn't know how to stop what was happening, or if she wanted too. He had the ability to make her mind go blank and some times she didn't know which way was up and that's what he was doing right now.

Adam reached for the shampoo bottle when Kim eventually backed away from him. He didn't like that she did it but he wasn't giving up either. "Do you want me to wash your hair?"

"Sure." Kim actually really did love it when he did this. Tough cop? Not as far as she was concerned and she closed her eyes and let the sweet sensation spread within her. "You want me to shampoo your carpet?"

"No thank you. I do not need you to shampoo my carpet."

"Pity."

"Adam." She sighed a little breathlessly.

"Just breathe Sweetheart, close your eyes and breathe. Tell me when to stop." He just kept making her feel good, he touched her, kissed her skin and told her how much he loved her. Kim didn't know if Adam had always been an incredible lover or whether they just worked together so perfectly but she was often just putty in his hands that he could ply and bend to his will. She often drove him wild as well and more often than not they both seemed to know when it was the right time to take it slow and make it last, to get in and out and satisfy a bit of an itch or let go of the reins and take a wild ride.

Adam was slow and gentle, he was patient and even when Kim moved away and indicated that she wasn't ready to go any further he just kissed her sweetly. "Okay Sweetheart." He rested his head on her shoulder. "its okay."

"I'm sorry Adam."

"For what?" He wrapped his arms around her. "I am here with you, I don't care about anything else."

"I know you want more." That much was obvious and Adam made no attempt to disguise it.

"Kim, I don't care. Seeing you smile again means way more than having sex. This goes away." He bucked her hips into her a little. "I never want your smile to go away."

Even though things were a little awkward again once they got out of the shower Adam tried hard to show Kim that he didn't care that she'd pulled the pin and he was surprised when they got into bed that she rested her hand on his stomach and her head on his shoulder. It wasn't that which surprised him it was the slow and steady movement of her hand as it crept lower.

"You feel tense." Kim whispered against his neck.

"I'm just not sure what you want me to do?"

"I want to feel loved by you."

Adam was gentle and sweet and Kim was left with no doubts about how he felt about her.

Those two days were the eye of the storm, the calm amid the chaos.


	13. Head Above Water

Adam knew she was struggling, he didn't know the depth of it because she never told him. He certainly found out the day he came home and found the house empty and a note on the bed. He read it, screwed it up and walked out of the room. The only time he went back in was to get clothes and eventually they all ended up in the spare room so he had no need to go in there. Yes, she'd been gone that long.

He'd called her that night and she hadn't answered but she did send him a message to say she was at her sister's and that she was fine and not to worry.

 _'Don't worry.'_ Well that was a fucking joke, right? Of course he worried, that's all he seemed to do lately.

Some of the lows had been crushing. The first day Adam went back to work had been rough, on both of them. If he was honest with himself he needed it, he needed to think about something else but he couldn't tell Kim that and despite that he didn't want to leave her either. "You call me if you need me, please." Adam wrapped his arms around her and kissed her forehead.

"I'll be fine."

"No you won't."

"Okay, I won't but we can't stay like this forever can we?" Kim tightened her grip around his waist. "Be careful today Adam, come home to me." This was another one of her little struggles, letting him go. She fretted when he went out, not that he'd left her alone much but once or twice he'd had to run a few errands and Kim had been upset when he got back.

"No place I'd rather be."

When he got home Kim literally threw herself at him and she was in tears. "It was awful." Adam felt like he was being kicked in the balls. "I hate this place."

"What happened?"

"It's too quiet without you here and I don't know what to do." It had been a month but Kim had decided she wasn't ready to go back to work and they arranged for her to have another two months off. She had tearfully told him that she couldn't face work yet and the Ivory Tower had granted her three months bereavement leave and Adam did worry that she would never go back if she left it too long.

"Did you go out? Go for a walk?"

"No." While it was starting to get dark out he did insist that they go for a walk around the block and it did seem to calm her down. He just needed to convince her to go out by herself.

The first time they went out together it was just as tough. Adam had decided that they should head out for lunch and perhaps a walk along the lake. It was a beautifully warm day and they needed to take that first step. They both knew that they were likely to see people with babies and children or a pregnant woman, they couldn't avoid it forever and Adam wanted to be with Kim when it happened. He had already encountered it when he had gone grocery shopping. It stung, big time but the longer Kim avoided it the harder it was going to be. He didn't want her to become a hermit and lock herself away from the world; he didn't want this to destroy the very essence of the woman he loved.

Trudy had visited her every other day. They just had a coffee together and if Kim wanted to talk about Leo Trudy let her and if she didn't she told her about what was going on at work instead or the latest idiotic thing that Mouch had done. She never stayed long but it was appreciated. Nicole would come up one day a week and it gave Adam a little bit of breathing space.

"We can do this." Adam squeezed her hand before they got out of the car.

"I guess."

"Kim, tell me now, honestly. Do you want to go home?"

"No."

The lunch was nice, despite the café being a little busy. They found a table out of the way and Kim sat with her back to the majority of the other diners and even the presence of kids wasn't that big of a deal. The sudden desperate cry of a baby was though and Kim looked like she was going to be physically ill. "Let's go." Adam threw some money on the table and whisked Kim out of the place. "You okay?" He asked as soon as they got outside.

"Not really."

Instead of taking her home, like she asked Adam insisted that they still go for a walk. He didn't want to run for the safety of their house as soon as things got hard, that wasn't going to help. Kim didn't quite see it like that though. "I told you I want to go home." She was seething when he didn't point the car in the direction of their home.

Adam tried to stay calm. "I thought we decided to go for a walk after lunch?"

"I asked you to take me home. I don't want to go for a fucking walk. Why don't you listen to me?"

"I did listen to you and I thought, for a change you could do something for me." He didn't take his eyes off the road so he missed the anger on Kim's face.

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"I don't want to sit at home all day everyday, all I am asking for Kim is an hour, one goddam fucking hour to get out and spend some time with you."

Kim stopped herself, but only just from saying something completely hurtful but she was annoyed with him and refused to talk to him as he drove for awhile to where he knew it would be a little quieter and ignored Kim's little sulk. He got out of the car and sat on the bonnet, staring at the lake and waited. There was not another person in sight and the parking lot was empty and eventually Kim got out. "I thought you wanted to go for a walk." She held out her hand and Adam was happy to jump down and slip his hand into hers. For two hours they walked hand in hand, sometimes they talked, sometimes they laughed and sometimes they were silent.

"Thank you." Adam leant over and gave her a quick kiss when they got back to the car.

"It was nice." She admitted, a little sheepishly. "Sorry I was a bitch."

"You weren't a bitch."

"Yes I was." Kim chuckled sarcastically. She didn't need Adam to tell her that she wasn't a bitch, it wasn't the first time either but he always shrugged it off. "Do you think this is going to get easier?"

"Not easier, just different." Adam shook his head. "And we will get better at handling it."

"I really hope so."

It was a rollercoaster.

While Kim was struggling, Adam was also barely keeping his head above water. Work was a great outlet for him and he did manage to focus when he was there. He kept himself busy and was always offering to do all the menial shit he usually avoided just to stop him thinking and worrying about Kim and missing Leo.

The day he came home from work to find that Kim had packed up the nursery was ugly. He was hurt. It didn't bother him so much that it had been packed up but his issue was that she hadn't talked to him about it or told him she was even thinking about it. At the very least he thought he deserved to be in that conversation.

Nicole had come down for the day, which wasn't unusual and it seemed to really help Kim especially in those first weeks when Adam was back at work and that's all he wanted was for Kim to get back on her feet. Adam was surprised to see some boxes inside the front door when he got home.

"What's this?" He nudged one with his foot.

"Stuff for the women's refuge to pick up."

"You cleaning out your wardrobe?" He un-holstered his weapon and put it in the safe in the hall cupboard.

"No, from the nursery. We cleaned it out today."

"Excuse me?"

"Nicole and I cleaned it out, packed it all up." Kim didn't seem to pick up his change in mood. "I've left all the furniture against the wall so you can move it out when you get a chance."

"Sure, no worries. Whatever you want." Adam was furious as he stormed upstairs and reefed open the door to the nursery and grabbed the first thing he could get his hands on and hauled it downstairs and dragged it through the house into the garage and threw it against the wall. "What?" he looked at Kim when he stormed back into the house and saw her sitting at the dining table in tears. "Isn't this what you wanted me to do?"

"You're angry."

"Yes, Kim, yes I am fucking angry." He headed straight back upstairs and grabbed the next thing. She let him go until he'd taken everything out and slammed the nursery door, closely followed by their bedroom door. He took a long shower, basically to stop himself saying something he'd regret or worse still walking out the front door.

"Have you calmed down?" Kim was still sitting in the dining room. He could tell she'd been crying but that wasn't like it was anything new.

"Yes." Adam barely acknowledged her as he headed for the kitchen. "What's for dinner?"

"I'm not hungry, get whatever you want. I don't care."

Adam slammed the fridge door shut. "That hurt Kim, that really fucking hurt." He wasn't just angry, he was hurt or more precisely he was devastated. It was a kick in the balls.

"What?"

"I thought we decided to leave it for a while?"

"Nicole asked me about it and I just went in there and started looking at stuff and I don't know it felt like it was time."

"For you, you didn't care about what I thought. You didn't think to make sure I was okay with it? We never talked about giving his stuff away."

"What's the point of keeping it?" He had noticed this starting to creep into their conversations, or into Kim's conversations at least, this notion that they would never have another child. It was something Adam wasn't ready to think about but he hoped that Leo wasn't it for them.

"I don't know, maybe there is no point but I would have liked to chance to give my opinion. I thought I at least deserved that."

"I'm sorry." He could have accepted it if she had even tried to make it sound like she meant it, but it was a bitter and sarcastic reply.

"You know what Kim, I am trying. What else do you want me to do, huh?"

"Nothing." He threw a dish into the sink when Kim walked away.

"Awesome. Good to know."

He still refused to believe that his marriage was teetering on the edge because he honestly didn't think it was that bad. Sure it was rough some days, their grief was palpable but he honestly thought this was just part of the process and for that reason alone he told no one she'd gone.


	14. Misery Loves Company

"Ruzek." Platt barked at him when he was trying to sneak through the foyer. "Come here."

"What is it Sarge?" He sighed, obviously exasperated. This was just what he didn't need.

She tapped one finger on the pile of papers in front of her. "Ahh, Burgess hasn't filled out her return to work documents. She's due back next week."

He just held out his hand for Platt to pass them over. "Give them to me. I'll see what the hold up is."

"Not so fast Sunshine." Platt grabbed his hand. "Adam, where's Kim?"

He stared at her blankly and Platt suddenly saw the faint glisten of tears fill his eyes. "At home."

"Adam, where's Kim?" she repeated, not buying his bullshit anymore. For weeks he had avoided just about every attempt for a conversation. He scuttled through the foyer with his head down or pretending to talk on his phone if he couldn't avoid using the main entrance or used the back stairs just to avoid having Platt or anyone else asking him about Kim.

"With her sister."

"Since when?"

"Two weeks ago."

"When is she coming back?"

He pulled his hand away and angrily wiped them over his eyes. "You'll need to ask her that, if she'll answer your calls."

"Adam." She dashed out from around the back of the desk and dragged him across the foyer to the empty office. "What happened?"

"I don't know. She's gone to stay with her sister for a bit."

"Why?"

"A really good question Sarge and if she ever talks to me again then I'll be sure to ask."

"This isn't making any sense." Kim had given her no indication that she was thinking of leaving Adam. Whenever she talked about him she was always telling Trudy how wonderful he'd been and how patient he was. She had never told anyone about their fights.

"You think?"

"Do you want me to talk to her?"

"No, Trudy. Just leave it please."

"What are you doing about this crap?"

"Me? I drive up to see her every chance I get and I get nothing. I've no idea why she left or when she is coming back. I guess this means she'll be tossed out of here, not that she seems to care about anything right now." He had even asked Nicole to talk to Kim about what she was doing about work. She was expected back soon and to date he had no idea if she even cared about her job or career and she obviously didn't give two shits about him.

"Don't worry about that."

"Look, can I go now? Voight's probably ready to rip me to shreds." He stopped with his hand on the door. "Nobody knows, I haven't told anyone and I want to keep it that way for now."

People were starting to put the pieces together though and while Adam had blown them off repeatedly, it was a hot topic of conversation. Gossiping wasn't the right word but there were some concerns. It was starting to affect his work, not the quality of it or his ability to do his job but his general lack of input beyond what he needed to do. They cut him some slack because of everything he had going on at home and they knew things were a little rough but things had to change soon and Voight had a team to worry about and any weak links could mean that someone didn't go home at the end of the day, and that was unacceptable.

That's probably what made them notice, initially he would talk about how rough some days were and how Kim was coping but in the last few weeks they got nothing. _'She's fine.'_ He would shrug ' _She's doing better.'_

Platt didn't keep her mouth shut though. They were not going to let this fall apart, not on her watch and by the end of the day she'd bailed up Atwater and Halstead, knowing that they had been Adam's biggest supporters over the last month or so and tried to formulate a plan. It was no surprise to them but until Platt decided they needed to do something about it they were just staying out of it.

If only they could get Adam and Kim in the same room. From what she could gather it wasn't that Adam hadn't tried but why Kim wasn't giving him the time of day she could not work out for the life of her. She adored that man.

Every weekend he drove the three hours to Nicole's place and waited for Kim to come talk to him and Nicole would tell him that she didn't want to see him so he would wait around for six hours before he would go home without seeing her. Only once had she come down and talked to him.

"Kim, Darlin'. Tell me what I can do?" Adam ignored the fact that she baulked when he went to hug her and pulled her in for a kiss. It was hardly a loving exchange between a husband and wife, or two grieving parents and Adam did not like it but he wasn't giving up. Things had changed suddenly in the past few weeks, ever since they had sex Kim had changed.

"Nothing Adam, I just want some time."

"How long? I need you; I need you with me. I can't do this without you."

"Do what?"

"Live, please come home. Please." Nicole was stunned by Adam's absolute devastation. Kim had told her, somewhat coldly that he was just getting on with life and she couldn't understand how he could forget about Leo. She didn't quite believe it and seeing him now she knew that, for whatever reason Kim was kidding herself if she thought Adam had gotten over Leo's death. He was guttered and Kim was laying the boots in by walking out on him.

If losing Leo wasn't enough for them.

If Kim couldn't deal with Adam, Nicole was going to do her best to make sure he at least knew that she was okay and she would send him messages telling him what was going on. Kim knew she was doing it and that had been an ugly exchange so Nicole promised her that she wouldn't tell Adam anything other than let him know she was okay. He at least deserved to know that she'd argued and Kim reluctantly agreed.

He called Kim everyday, messaged her every night and told her that he missed her and loved her and Nicole knew she read them; she would wait for them. If the message were late she would sit holding her phone until it came through and the fleeting look of relief told Nicole all she needed to know. She loved Adam, she missed him but she was too caught up in her own grief to see any way out of this hole she'd flung herself into when she walked out on him.

"Why are you still here?" Nicole asked her one night. Kim was sitting cross-legged on the couch with her phone in her hand waiting for Adam's message.

"Do you want me to leave?"

"No, but Kim honey what are you doing?"

"I don't know. I hurt Adam."

"When?"

"All the time." Kim sobbed, she wrapped her arms around herself tightly and Nicole's heart broke for her sister. "I keep hurting him."

She jumped up off the couch and cradled her sobbing sister. "Oh Honey, he's hurting because of Leo, he was hurting because of how much it was affecting you and because he couldn't help, he never blamed you."

Nicole had been stunned to get a message from Adam after the third weekend Kim refused to see him. Up until then he would just always thank her for keeping him in the loop.

He was desperate _. 'Nicole, I can't breathe. I need you to tell Kim that I love her, I adore her and I can't live without her. I'll sell the house if she can't come back here; I need her to come home to me. I hate what this has done to her and what she is doing now. I know she blames herself but you have to convince her it's not her fault, I don't blame her for any of this. You need to tell her, she won't listen to me, I want to tell her how much I love her but she won't listen to me. You can get her to listen; you have too. I don't know what else to do. Tell me what I can do.'_

"He loves you so much."

Nicole hated how anxious Kim looked. It was heartbreaking to watch her struggle through this but she knew that Adam was where she belonged and until she admitted that and went home to him this was not going to get any better. "I know. He's the love of my life but I'm scared."

"Of what?"

"That he'll want to have another baby and I don't know if and when I will ever be able to give him what he wants. I can't do this again." Things spiralled a little for Kim once they started having sex again. On the one hand she loved being close to Adam again, but it felt like this was all leading to a discussion about another baby and she wasn't ready for that. Instead of telling Adam how she felt and that she wasn't ready to even talk about it, she ran.

"Have you talked to him?"

"How can I? He wanted Leo so much."

"So did you."

"I did. I wanted to give Adam a family."

Nicole made Kim look at her; she held both her cheeks with her hands and waited until Kim stopped darting her eyes around trying to avoid Nicole's. "Kim, you are Adam's family. He wants you."

For weeks people had surrounded him again. He appreciated that his friends rallied around him but it was a suffocating because he only wanted one person and she wasn't there when he went home every night. Every night he hoped to see a light on or her car in the garage but it was always cold and empty and the silence in the house was killing him slowly.

Instead of going out with Kevin and Jay like he promised he found a small bar where not one person knew him. He looked at his phone as it rang, hoping like hell it was Kim and felt his soul crushing when it was Jay. Why wouldn't she call him? Why wouldn't she even acknowledge the messages he sent? Nicole told him she was reading them, waiting for them every day but he wasn't sure whether to believe her or was she just telling him that to make him feel better.

"Hi, Is this seat taken?" he rejected the call and slipped the phone back in his pocket and shook his head as the tall blond settled in beside him. " Do you mind?" she asked.

"Knock yourself out." Adam knocked back the shot that the barman had replenished.

"I'm Georgie." She smiled and Adam found himself smiling back.


	15. Hesitate

It wasn't an uncommon sight, finding Ruzek in the corner of the locker room with his head on his knees and his arms wrapped around his legs.

"Hey Bro." Kevin crouched down in front of his best friend and touched his knee. "You okay?"

"No." he looked up and the utter devastation that blanketed his face was one they hadn't seen since Leo's funeral. "I fucked up."

"Kim will come back."

"No she won't, because I fucked it all up."

"What happened? Did you talk to her?"

"I haven't talked to her in weeks." And that's what he couldn't get his head around, the way she had cut him out of her life completely. Nicole would let him know that she was still there, that she was okay but Kim never contacted him and he was at a loss to know what he'd done or what she wanted from him now.

Her sister kept telling him not to give up, but at what point did he need too?

"Then what Bro, help me out."

"I went out last night and this chick starting talking to me and I bought her a drink. She asked me if we wanted to get out of there and I hesitated, for a just a second I hesitated." He was devastated and Kevin could hear it.

"So what? You didn't do anything did you?"

"No, of course not." His eyes flashed with anger. "I would never cheat on Kim, never."

"Then what's the problem?"

"I shouldn't have hesitated."

"Ruz, you've been through the wringer lately. You're confused and hurt and angry and not thinking straight but as long as you don't do anything about it then you haven't fucked anything up."

"I would never cheat on her, but she's not here, she's gone and I don't know if she's coming back, ever. She won't talk to me; return my calls or messages. I drive to her sister's place every weekend and do you know how many times she has even acknowledged I am there? Once…one fucking time."

He hadn't even really thought about what he was doing when the woman sat next to him at the bar. She was friendly enough, blond, tall and pretty and they struck up a conversation. It had been so long since he had been on his own that he didn't even realise that just by talking to her he was encouraging her, and truth be told it was nice to talk to someone who didn't know about Leo.

Everyone always wanted to know how he was or how Kim was, like he knew or if they could do anything to help. _'Yes'_ he wanted to scream… _'give me my baby back, give me back my wife.'_ So being here, where nobody knew him was a welcome relief.

"Can I buy you a drink?" He asked, almost absentmindedly when they had been chatting a while and both their glasses were empty. It seemed like the polite thing to do and he did it without thinking.

"Sure."

He struggled to even remember her name and he didn't really care. She was telling him about some crazy person she worked with and he just laughed along with her. It wasn't that she was boring, far from it but he was good at pretending to pay attention. "So what do you do?"

"I'm a cop."

"Oh, I guess I don't need to tell you about crazies then?"

"Nope, guess not." He shrugged, rapidly losing interest. He didn't want to talk about himself, that was why he was here, to forget about his crappy life for a while.

Whether she sensed that he was losing interest or for whatever reason she ran her hand up his thigh and grazed her fingers over his groin. "You got any plans for the rest of the night?"

"What?" he blinked a few times but didn't ask her to move her hand and it wasn't until she dug her fingers into his thigh and leant in closer and tried to kiss him that he jumped. "What?"

"Let's get out of here."

Adam's mind started to spin and he hesitated for just a second and he hated himself for it. "No." He pushed her hand away angrily and she looked hurt and confused. "I'm married." He looked down at his left hand and remembered that he had taken the ring off a couple of days ago because his hand was swollen after having to go a few rounds with a stupid drug dealer they'd been chasing. He could feel this hand start throbbing at the time and took his ring off because it was starting to hurt and the last thing he wanted was to have to cut it of if his hand kept blowing up like it was.

"Oh…" she sat back a little. Why couldn't he remember her name?

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean for this to happen." He gasped for air and literally bolted from the bar. As soon as the night air hit him, he crouched down against the wall and just tried to breathe. What the fuck was he doing?

When he stood up she was watching him, holding out his jacket that he'd left behind. "Are you okay?"

"Yep. Look I'm sorry if I gave you the wrong impression. It was just that I was enjoying talking to someone who doesn't know how fucked my life is."

"Do you want to tell me then?" She took a step towards him and he backed away.

"No, no I don't."

"Then go home and cry to your wife." She sounded angry and he had no idea why. He racked his brains trying to work out if he'd said something that made her think he was interested in hooking up with her but came up short.

"Thanks for the advice." He bent down and picked up his jacket that she had dumped on the ground. "Thanks for that."

"Georgie." She snarled at him. "My friends call me Georgie." She obviously knew he had no idea what her name was.

By the time he dragged himself into work the next morning he hated himself even more than he thought possible. Was that the first step? That hesitation, what if next time he didn't hesitate? He wasn't a cheater, he would never cheat on Kim, once they were together he was done with anyone else. Nobody turned him on like Kim did and he didn't want to be with anyone else and he loved her desperately. Especially now, he wouldn't break her heart like that when it was already in pieces.

"Ruz, don't give up." Kevin urged him. He had even tried to contact Kim and got nothing in return.

"I can't keep doing this. I can't keep waking up to nothing. I want to feel something other than this…this nothing." He kicked out at the locker with his foot. "This hurts too fucking much."

"You love Kim."

"I do, I do but maybe that's not enough for her anymore. Maybe all she wanted was Leo and he's not here and I am no use to her anymore." This was killing him and Kevin was at a loss as to what to say.

"Bullshit, that's utter fucking bullshit."

"Is it?"

"Yes it is. I saw you both, remember in those early weeks I saw you both clinging to each other."

"She doesn't want to have more kids so what's the point?"

"Ruz, it's all just a little fresh right now. Can I ask? Last night? What stopped you?"

"What?"

"What stopped you going home with that woman?"

"My wife, Kim, my wife, the mother of my child. I love her and I miss her."

"Then Ruz, go get her back and don't come back until you do."

"I can't."

"Why not?"

"I don't want her to tell me it's over." That was his biggest fear. Although he hated it each and every time he drove to see her and got nothing that was better than seeing her and being told that it was over. It wasn't over, not for him.

"Then prove to her that it's not."

He never got the chance.

Voight kept one eye on him as they headed out fully kitted for a raid. He was seemingly a little reckless today, he just didn't seem as focussed as he usually was when they were in these situations but he promised his boss he was good to go. When he offered to double back around the front of the building Voight warned him to stick close to the wall and watch his six. They hadn't cleared the top floors yet and only had two people in custody when they were expecting a few more.

He'd barely gone three steps when Voight sent Atwater out to cover his back. "Make sure he doesn't do anything stupid." He growled at Kevin.

They all heard the gunshots, four of them in rapid succession, all from the same weapon but Voight wasn't sure it was one of theirs and he held his breath and a feeling of dread flowed over him. There was no return of fire. They heard nothing until Atwater's voice screamed down the line.

'Ten One, Ten One." the voice crackled over the radio. "Officer Down, Officer Down. My partner's been shot. Roll an Ambo to our last location." Atwater threw his radio down and placed the hand that had been holding the radio over his other hand and grimaced at the feeling of his warm sticky blood seeping through his fingers.

"Kev." He whispered painfully. "Tell Kim that I love her and that I'll look after Leo."

"Don't you dare Ruzek, don't you dare. You hang on, you hear me."


	16. I Blame Myself

Nicole was surprised that when she opened the door it wasn't Adam on the other side. It took her a second to recognise Adam's two best friends on her doorstep. "Adam's sending you now? He's pulling out all the stops." Nicole forced out, tyring to make a joke when her heart was thudding at million miles an hour and her head was spinning. She did not want to think why they were here.

Nicole had been caught between a rock and a hard place. On the one hand she had to support her sister even when she thought she was making bad choices and right now she was making a bad choice. On the other hand it was as plain as the nose on her face that she loved Adam and was regretting letting it get so far away from them but she was just two damn stubborn to ask him for forgiveness.

On Adam's side there was nothing to forgive, he wanted her back, he was desperate and this was breaking him in half all over again. She tried to talk to Kim and never told him not to come. Every weekend he drove up, three hours each way and asked to see her and every time Kim would say no. The one time she did see him it broke Nicole's heart hearing him begging her to come home but she told him she needed more time.

Now, these two standing on her doorstep, looking so serious hit Nicole like a tonne of bricks. If something had happened to Adam this would be the end of Kim.

"Is Kim here?" Kevin didn't even bother pretending to be amused.

"Yes."

"We need to see her?"

"Is Adam okay?"

Kevin leant around her and bellowed. "Kim."

"No, no." Nicole tried to close the door on their faces. "Not if you are going to tell her Adam is dead."

Jay rested her hand on Nicole's arm. "Nicole, go and get Kim."

Her legs felt like lead as she dragged herself upstairs and knocked on Kim's door. "Kim, honey you've got visitors."

"What's he doing here in the middle of the week?"

"It's not Adam. Kim." Nicole just barged in. "You need to come down." Nicole shook her head when Kim asked her who it was and just grabbed her arm and pulled her down the stairs.

They were a little shocked by her appearance. Kim had lost weight, a lot of it and she didn't have much to lose in the first place. She looked like one stiff puff of wind would knock her over. "No, no, no." she screamed as she saw Kevin and Jay standing in the lounge and Nicole just managed to catch her before she fell.

Kevin took three quick steps towards her and literally swept her out of Nicole's arms. "Kim, Adam's been shot. He's in bad shape but he's hanging in there. You need to come home."

"Oh god. When? Where? Where is he?"

"Early hours of this morning, he's in Med. I just called Voight, he's out of surgery but we need to go. He asked for you."

"He did?"

"Of course he did." Why did she think he didn't care? Didn't turning up every weekend show her that? All the messages he sent, all the times he called?

"What happened?"

"There was a raid, things went sideways. Do you have a bag or somethin'?"

They got Kim into the car. Nicole promised to follow once Zoe was out of school and that she would bring Kim's stuff. Nicole was going to pack up all her stuff and bring the whole damn lot with her. Kim wasn't coming back again; she was going to make sure of it. This shit had gone on long enough.

"How is he? Like really? Before this? I mean is he doing okay?" All her questions came out in a rush.

"No, he's not doing okay Kim. Why would you think he'd be okay?" Kevin was a little blunt. "He's heartbroken."

"So am I."

"Then why didn't you stay and work it out."

"It's not that easy."

"I guess not. For anyone."

"You know it's not because I don't love Adam, it's just…" Kim was wringing her hands in her lap. "…you know everything with Leo."

"Leo is Adam's son too. He misses him just as much as you do."

"Really? Then why can he go back to work and pretend like he was never here?" It was unfair, she knew that because they couldn't just stay at home and wallow in their misery forever. Life went on, but it seemed easy for Adam to do that and she was jealous.

"He never pretended Leo wasn't here. Trust me, he hasn't forgotten about Leo." If only she would open her eyes and see how much he hadn't forgotten about Leo.

"I know. I wish I could though." Kim angrily wiped away a tear as she stared out the window. "Every time I look at Adam I see the pain I caused him because I couldn't keep his baby alive."

Jay leant forward from the back seat and rested his hands on Kim's shoulders. "Kim, Adam doesn't think like that at all. He doesn't blame you."

"No, I know, but I blame myself."

"Then you need to stop."

They didn't spend the entire trip talking about the mess that was the current state of the Ruzek's marriage. Eventually they'd started to talk about work, their friends and what was going on at the district.

Voight had called Bob Ruzek. He wasn't sure if he should, with everything that seemed to be going on at home with Adam and Kim he was pretty sure that no one had any idea that Kim had gone. The only reason he called was he would never forgive himself if Adam didn't make it and his father never had the chance to say goodbye. He was thinking like a father, not like a boss.

"Where's Kim?" Bob was out of breath by the time he got to the hospital. "Is she with Adam?"

"Adam's still in surgery. Atwater and Halstead have gone to get her."

"Okay. How is he?"

"Hanging in there." Voight nodded. "They took him in about an hour ago."

Something wasn't adding up for Bob. "An hour? Why isn't Kim here?" He'd had his suspicions. Adam had blown him off a few times when he offered to come to the house. He would always meet him in a bar or coffee shop but never said a word. He told him that Kim was good, that her sister was in town or she was catching up with someone else. "What's going on?"

"We don't really know much. Kim's been staying with her sister for a while."

"How long?"

"Six weeks or so. We are not really sure. Adam hasn't said much, he never told you?"

"No, nothing." Bob ran his hands over his face. "God, I knew they were struggling but this will kill Adam."

"He's not doing great. We've tried to help him but he doesn't want our help." Voight could sense how angry Bob was. "Its been rough on both of them, I know you care about your son, but he loves Kim and he's trying his hardest to get her to come home. Don't make it harder for him by getting angry at Kim." He knew he'd pushed a little too far but he also knew the older Ruzek's temper. He was likely to say something to Kim and that was not what was needed now.

"Thanks for your sage advice." He bit back at his son's boss. Even after all these years there was no love lost between the two.

Bob waited for Adam to come out of surgery and went and sat with him for an hour before leaving. He knew Voight was right, as much as it killed him to admit it. He needed not to be angry with Kim and right now he couldn't guarantee that he could stop himself. So he asked someone to let him know when if anything changed or if Kim actually bothered showing up while he left to let himself cool off.

Kevin's hand slipped into Kim's as they walked towards the hospital. She hated this place; it was the place that had caused her so much pain. They'd suffered in this place and now she had to trust them to save her husband.

Voight and Platt were waiting for them, Jay texted them when they arrived to make sure they weren't walking into a nightmare. They were both out of their seats as Kevin bought her in. As soon as they got Adam to the hospital Voight had turned to Kevin and Jay and told them they had to go and get Kim, they needed to do whatever they needed to do to bring her home, back to Adam. He wasn't going to survive without her.

Voight had seen it in his eyes; he'd lost the will to live, back at the district before they even left. He was kicking himself that he didn't take heed of his gut and stop him from going and he'd never forgive himself if anything happened to Ruzek. The fact that he actually made it to the hospital was a minor miracle. He wrapped his arms around Kim. "It's good to see you."

"How's Adam?"

"Waiting for you."

"He's awake?"

"No, he's waiting for you though." Voight pressed a small kiss on her cheek. "He's in an induced coma." He felt her knees give way a little and he was glad he was holding onto her otherwise they'd be picking her up off the floor. "Hey come on, he's tough, you know how tough he is. They are keeping him sedated to let his body recover from the surgery but they are pretty sure he's not in any danger, the bullets somehow managed to miss just about every vital organ on the way through, but it certainly did cut through him pretty badly, they pulled out four shots. Someone's looking out for him." Everyone liked to think it was Leo, not that they'd say that to Kim.

Kim went in alone. She gripped the edge of the door to steady herself when she saw him. "Oh Adam." He was hooked up to what felt like a million machines, he was breathing with a ventilator and it made his face hard to see, he was unshaven and it was longer than she liked but she guessed he didn't really care right now. He was motionless, his hands lying on the cold white sheets. She hated the stillness, it bought back a flood of terrible memories so she focussed on the fact that the machine that was breathing for him made his chest rise and fall rhythmically.

The ICU nurse rested her hand lightly on her back. "You can go in, go talk to him, touch him."

"Yeah?"

"Of course."

Kim leant over him and kissed his cheek lightly. "I'm here Adam, I'm here." Running her hand down his arm she lightly stroked his still fingers. "Don't leave me. I can't do this without you." His skin was warm when she touched him and that felt like such a relief.

It was then that she noticed it. Sometime in the last few weeks he had gone and got himself a tattoo. On the inside of his left bicep was a lion cub, similar to the one that was hanging on their wall. She ran her fingers over it before leaning down to press her lips against it. A tear trickled down her cheek and splashed on his arm and she wiped it away.

It was beautiful. She wondered what made him think of it and when he got it. He'd never mentioned to her that he was thinking about getting a tattoo, he never talked about what he wanted to do to remember Leo and she'd thought that was because he didn't want to remember. That seemed so unfair to him and now she wanted him to wake up so she could ask him about it and tell him she understood his pain.

Kim pulled up a chair, lowered her head onto his arm and rested her hand on his heart. "Adam, I love you so much. Please don't leave me here alone."


	17. The End

Kim took a deep breath as Kevin pulled into her driveway. "You want me to come in with you?" They had convinced her to come home, at least for a few hours. Adam wasn't waking up yet, they just wanted to give his body a chance to rest and recover a little and his mother was sitting with him at the moment. After a discussion with his Doctors Kim had decided to go with their recommendation of keeping Adam sedated for another day at least knowing that Adam wouldn't stay still if he was awake. It was a tough decision for Kim because she just wanted to talk to him and let him know she was there with him but she had to do what was best for Adam.

"No, thanks Kev. I will be fine. Nicole will be here soon."

"He's going to be okay, you know that right."

She reached for his hand and held onto it for just a moment. "He has to be, Kev, he's got no choice."

The house was cold and uninviting and somehow it felt un-lived in. Nothing had moved inside though, and she was surprised that it was so tidy. Adam had been here by himself and it didn't looked trashed. Usually even if she just went away for a weekend when she came home it was either a nightmare or Adam was frantically trying to clean up as she came through the door.

It was spotless though and that sent a shiver up her spine. Perhaps it looked un-lived in because Adam wasn't living. She ran her hand over the hall table and picked up their wedding photo and her fingers came to rest on Adam's smile. He looked so happy that day; it was the best day of his life he kept telling her. They wanted the birth of their first child to knock that off the top of the list, but that had turned into a nightmare.

Now it was time to move on, put all this behind them and find their balance again. For that to happen though, she needed Adam to wake up.

When Kim finally made it upstairs she burst into tears when she saw that their bedroom was untouched. The sheets were the same, the cushions were on the bed so she knew that Adam hadn't been in here because he never put them back on the bed, he hated them but would just tolerate them for Kim's sake. The letter she had written to him was lying screwed up in the middle of the bed.

 _'I just need to breathe again. This place is crushing me, I can't be here in this house without Leo, not yet. I hope you understand that it's not because of you, it's me, all me but maybe one day you will forgive me.'_ Adam had no idea what she wanted forgiveness for, for leaving, for Leo or for not loving him anymore.

She hadn't told him she loved him for a long time. The words just wouldn't come out.

Kim had gone to the Doctors for her six-week post natal check up. Adam wanted to go with her but Kim deliberately changed the appointment at the last minute, or at least told him it had been changed at the last minute when she knew he wasn't available. She had no idea why she did it until she sat in that Doctors office and asked the one question that had never been asked.

They had asked what went wrong and knew that it was the knot in his umbilical cord and Leo was one of those rare cases where it tightened and cut off his oxygen. Usually a true knot can cause issues during delivery but occasionally it tightens as they are moving into position for birth, which is what happened with Leo.

Kim needed to know though and Adam would be horrified if he knew that Kim was asking. "The night Leo died he was kicking and moving and we had sex. Did that kill my baby?"

"No." Dr Sanderson answered immediately. "Leo's knot was already formed, the lower he moved into your birth canal the more it tightened and compressed. Even if it hadn't happened that night, it was highly unlikely he would have made it through labour. It was an extraordinarily tight knot and usually you have a kind of gel like substance called Wharton's Jelly that protects the blood vessels in the cord and you, for some reason had very low levels of this jelly like substance." Kim nodded quietly. "Kim, the numbers were stacked against Leo as soon as he squirmed his way into tying that knot, I told you that would have happened as early as twelve weeks when he had all this room to move. Having sex did not cause Leo's death."

"Okay."

"It was a tragic accident, inexplicable as to why it happened to you and why Leo. Nothing you or Adam did played any part in losing Leo."

"I know Adam thinks about it. He doesn't say anything but I know he thought it." He had asked her when she last felt him move, was it when Leo kicked him or later on. Kim was a little pissed off, she hated that he put that thought in her head. Up until then it hadn't even crossed her mind. It had only been a couple of weeks since they'd lost Leo and slowly the fog was lifting and they were starting to ask questions of each other.

That night Kim thought Adam was blaming her for not noticing earlier that he wasn't moving. It was so far from the truth it wasn't funny. They both knew that sometimes he moved and sometimes he slept and it had only been a few hours. If it had been days of no movement it may have been different but they had both felt him move that night now they were doubting themselves.

"Did you talk to him about it?"

"I can't" When he asked she pushed him away, physically. _'I don't know, I told you I don't know. I've tried to remember, I don't know.'_

"I think you need to. I assume you haven't had sex again yet?"

"Yes, we have, just last week. Is that okay?" Kim had read about it a lot and asked her counsellor and she was missing being close to Adam. A few times she'd felt that need bubble up within her and they'd spent a few really comforting moments together, making out like teenagers so it was a natural progression.

"Of course it's okay, if you were both ready for it."

"I wanted to feel close to him again. I was scared if I didn't then what we have might die too."

"And afterwards?"

"I don't know. It was hard. I don't want to get pregnant again."

"Do you want some birth control options?"

"Yes." Kim had the implant put back in and when she told Adam he didn't seem to mind. He was a little annoyed that she'd gone alone but what was done was done and he was just happy that Kim had at least physically recovered. It was one less thing for him to worry about.

"Kim, it's okay to enjoy sex with Adam if you want to. It doesn't mean that you've moved on and losing your little boy wasn't your fault or Adam's. Having sex created Leo, it didn't take him away from you."

Kim knew what Dr Sanderson said made sense. It wasn't their fault, Leo's cards were marked early on so she pushed it down and continued to try and enjoy sex again and when they first had sex Adam had been beautifully patient and gentle with her and he did make Kim feel loved and happy but when he fell asleep she crept from the bed and hid downstairs and cried. Adam felt her come back and when he wrapped his arms around her he could feel her sadness and it hurt him.

She lasted another month before she left. They'd had sex a few more times and it did get easier and she couldn't even say she didn't enjoy it, because in the moment she did and Adam wasn't always the one that instigated it but it was in the hours and days afterwards that she struggled to cope.

Kim had made him wear a condom, despite her implant and he did it without complaint. Getting pregnant again was the last thing either of them were ready for. It had been a painful conversation when they sat down and talked about the prospect of more children. Adam had picked up on her odd comments when she talked about the future, it never included more children so he flat out asked her one night.

"I don't know when I will be ready." Kim told him.

"Neither do I."

"I thought you'd be a little more keen?" It was a little bit of a slap in the face for Adam. Did she think he didn't care; could she not see the pain he was in?

"Why? Because it didn't happen to me?"

"No, it's not that. Adam, but you seem so far ahead of where my head is at."

"I don't know how hard it was for you, I still don't but Kim I watched you and that was a whole other world of pain, one that perhaps you don't understand either. I don't want to have another baby, not yet, not anytime soon." Angrily he swiped the tears from his cheeks. "I hope you never have to see the one person you love more than life itself go through a living hell like I watched you go through that. I wouldn't wish that on my worst enemy."

"I'm sorry, I didn't do it on purpose." She screamed at him irrationally.

"What? What are you talking about? I never said you did it on purpose and I have never blamed you. It's not your fault, it's not my fault."

"I know but I blame myself."

"Then don't."

"That's easy for you to say. My baby died inside me."

"Our baby." Adam whispered and Kim could barely hear him. She asked him what he said and he looked her straight in the eye, cold and hard. "Our baby, he was our baby, he was my son too. You keep forgetting that." He walked out of the house.

It was hard work trying to get through the pain and heartache and some days it seemed insurmountable. The arguments where becoming more frequent and neither of them were above saying things that hurt each other but then some days were filled with love and laughter and it was those days that they clung too.

Until Kim couldn't hang on anymore and she let go and Adam didn't stop her.

Opening the door to the spare room it was obviously where Adam was now sleeping.

She lay down on the bed and was comforted by his familiar smell. She ran her hand over the pillow and it caught her eye. On the bedside table was his wedding ring and it was like being stabbed in the chest. _'When had he taken it off? Why didn't he wear it anymore? Was this the end?'_

Kim had noticed he wasn't wearing it at the hospital but just assumed that they had taken it off before his surgery. There was an envelope in the top drawer of the cabinet beside his bed in the hospital that contained his personal effects and she imagined it was his badge, wallet, keys, phone and his wedding ring; obviously not.

It couldn't be the end; she wouldn't let it.

Kim took off her rings and put Adam's on and then slid her two rings back on to hold his in place until she could return it to its rightful position. It wasn't even the first time Adam had taken it off, there were times when he was on undercover assignments that he needed to take it off but it didn't feel like this.

Kim lifted his left hand and slid his wedding ring back on first thing the next morning when she saw him. "Where it belongs." She kissed it and then his cheek. She craved his lips, she needed to kiss them, she needed to feel them again but the ventilator wouldn't allow it.

Turning his hand over she lay her cheek on it, feeling its warmth; warm skin comforted her these days and she'd slept in a cold bed for too long. She waited for him to start stroking her face, like he always did when she was upset or hurting or in need of comfort and right now she was feeling all of that.

He didn't move but she watched the steady rise and fall of his chest and that gave her some comfort.

He wasn't still.


	18. Don't Leave Me

Kim sat by his bedside for three long days, leaving only for a few hours at night. Usually it was nearing midnight when she finally went home for a shower and a few hours sleep and she was always back beside his bed before six am.

The only reason she was able to face the house was because Nicole was there, not that she saw her much or talked to her but knowing she was there was enough. The emptiness of the house overwhelmed her when Adam went back to work and the first night he was out all night she heard every little noise and it terrified her. She should have been sitting there waiting to hear her baby cry for her but all she heard was the wind, the creaks and the low rumble of appliances and that devastating silence.

Kim slept in the spare room, unable to face their bed alone and so she could surround herself with Adam. The first night she climbed into bed, weary and lost she could smell his musky scent on the pillow and she buried her head into it and wept. She understood why he did it, why he slept in here even though it shocked her at first. It was comforting to be enveloped by his smell when all she wanted was to feel his arms around her again and while she slept hard for a few hours, it was only three or four hours at best.

While Kim couldn't help with his nursing care and medications she did take care of everything else. In the mornings she bathed him, moisturised his hands, arms, feet and legs and combed his hair, which was a little long at the moment but she liked it because she could run her hands through it. It was therapeutic and she would talk to him; she craved him. She wanted to feel his touch, his kiss, she wanted to see his eyes and hear his voice.

The first thing she did each morning though was kiss his face and then his tattoo.

Kim had just returned the first morning and had just replaced his wedding ring when the nurse came in carrying a bowl of water and some towels and washcloths. "Good Morning. I'm just about to give Adam a quick wash."

"Can I help?" She asked nervously. Kim didn't like the thought of someone else taking care of him and touching him. It was a little irrational but he had taken such good care of her and she owed him the same level of love and attention. She'd lost count of the amount of times he got in the shower with her, sometimes fully clothed when she wasn't coping. There were times she had yelled at him, pushed him away and even vomited on him but he didn't care and for all those times there were also all the times she craved his arms, cried in them and enjoyed his gentle touches. "He's a bit of a pain in the ass as a patient."

"Aren't they all?" Cate, the nurse laughed. "How long have you been married?"

"Three years."

Cate watched Kim as she washed his arms and ran her fingers lightly over the lion. "Nice tattoo."

"It's for our son. I didn't know he went and got it, I've been away."

"Oh, how old is he?"

"We lost him. I was 38 weeks pregnant. We haven't done very well since then. I let him down." Cate reached over a squeezed her hand.

"You are here, you're doing fine."

"I hope so." Kim ran her hands through his hair. "I really do. Anyway, I just need him to wake up."

"All in good time, all in good time. He's doing well." Cate handed Kim a washcloth. "You might want to take care of this." She pointed to the towel covering his lower half.

"He's going to flip out when he wakes up and finds the catheter. He's oddly irrational about things like that." Kim chuckled. "Not that he's ever had one, but I know what he's like. He'll carry on like an idiot."

"No, he's like every single male patient I've ever had." Cate laughed and turned away while Kim washed him. It was strange doing this while he was unconscious. His sudden innate reaction was weird. She shouldn't have been surprised Adam was easily excitable, she didn't even have to touch him sometimes or even be anywhere near him and he would tell her of his predicament. ' _Baby, I was thinking about you today and man did I get hard._ ' Kim would roll her eyes, tell him he was disgusting and inevitably end up giving in and _'helping him out with his blue balls.'_

"That's also perfectly normal." Cate laughed when Kim gasped a little. She knew exactly what was going on and was glad that, for once she didn't have to deal with it.

Kim was gentle and took her time, she found looking after Adam very therapeutic. "He was amazingly patient and gentle with me when we lost Leo. He took care of me, he's got such an amazing heart."

"I think you are perfectly matched then."

The day they were waking him up Kim barely made it past five am before she was back at his side.

Once they withdrew the sedation it was just a waiting game and time was standing still. Every time someone came in to check on him Kim would ask how much longer but it was something they couldn't tell her. Adam would wake up when his body was ready to let him. Kim talked to him, ran her hands over him, kissed him and begged him to open his eyes.

Adam felt heavy, his eyes felt heavy and there was a weight on his arm and he couldn't lift it. As he became more aware of things he opened his eyes and quickly closed them again.

It was a dream.

Then he moved his hand and Kim's eyes shot open. Adam was looking at her, he couldn't speak because of the tube down his throat and while they told Kim to expect Adam to panic and fight the ventilator he didn't, he just stared at her and then a tear trickled from the corner of his eye.

"Oh Baby." Kim leapt up and started kissing his face. "I love you."

He squeezed her hand and didn't let go even as the Doctor came in and removed his breathing tube and Kim got to do the one thing she wanted to do more than anything. She felt his lips on hers.

Adam's voice was scratchy and his head felt like it was in a bucket. Surely this was a dream? "Don't leave."

"Baby, I'm not leaving you."

"Really?" He closed his eyes again.

"Really, I've missed you so much. Adam I love you so much. I should never have left."

Adam slept on and off all day but by the evening he was much more awake and lucid. Most of Intelligence had been in to visit briefly as had his parents, they had doctors and nurses in and out all day and all manner of tests that he had to endure so they didn't get a lot of time alone.

She knew he was feeling better and frustrated when he started making jokes and complaining about his catheter. "Can you get someone to take his garden hose out of my dick?" He grumbled to Kim. "I am quite capable of taking a piss."

"Stop whining."

"I'll take it out myself."

"No you won't. It's jammed in there pretty good and you'll do more harm than good."

"How do you know?"

"What do you think I've been doing the past few days, looking after you. I've paid attention, asked questions." Kim's eyes crinkled at the corners. "I am nothing but a diligent student."

"You talked to people about my junk?"

"Yes, I've also played with it." She teased him. "It happens to be very dear to me."

"Really, did you enjoy it? Did I?"

"Don't you always." Kim ran her hand up and down his arms. "It was very calming."

"Did you knock the top off it?" Adam grabbed her hand.

"Adam, shut up." The only thing that would get him to stop talking was to kiss him, so she did.

Finally he got his wish when they agreed to take his catheter out and allow him the privilege of peeing in a bottle instead. It was a far from pleasant experience having it removed and any action down there, that didn't involve either him or Kim touching it was met with excessive whining and carry on. "Adam, they are not cutting it out, for fuck's sake be a man." When he went to answer Kim held up her hand to stop him. "If you don't stop carrying on they will leave it in and then that's going to cramp your style now isn't it?"

"Fine." He huffed. "If they break it you'll be sorry."

Once that was done they got to spend some time alone and that gave them the first chance to really talk.

"Are you coming home?" Adam hadn't let go of her hand all day. Even if she left the room to use the bathroom his pulse would start to race a little and his blood pressure would rise and he would worry until she came back. He convinced himself that at some point she just wouldn't come back.

"Yes, if you'll let me."

"I never wanted you to leave." Kim tried to apologise but Adam wouldn't hear it. She didn't need to apologise, he didn't care he just wanted her at home, with him.

"This?" She ran her hand over his tattoo. It was something that Kim never really liked and was always happy that Adam didn't show any interest in getting one.

"You hate it?"

"Our Little Lion Cub? How could I hate that?" She kissed it again, for the hundredth time. "It's beautiful."

"It's close to my heart." Adam's voice quivered just a little. "That's where he lives."

"Leo is in my heart everyday."

"Tell me we can do this?" Adam was almost begging. "Please. When this happened I wanted Kevin to tell you that I loved you and that I was going to see Leo because I didn't want to live without you. I had nothing so I thought if I went to be with Leo then I wouldn't be alone." It was completely raw and honest and Kim felt like she was being stabbed in the heart again.

Kim rested her hands on his chest, bending down and placing a line of kisses over his heart. "I know I hurt you but it was never my intention I just didn't know how to stop myself hurting."

"I just wanted to fix you."

She looked up and he was staring down at her, tears bubbling along his lower eyelids and trickling down his cheeks. "You did all you could, I couldn't fix myself. It was nothing you did Adam; it wasn't you. I know we can do this, because I want this more than anything." She stood up and held both his cheeks, using her thumbs to catch his tears while hers just ran unchecked down her face. "I don't make sense without you, I have no point. I just felt like I couldn't breathe and the house felt like a cage and I couldn't get out. I feel like I let you down and I was always going to let you down."

"How did you let me down?"

"I couldn't give you what you wanted."

"You have given me everything I ever wanted, everything."

"Except Leo, I couldn't give you your healthy baby boy."

Adam closed his eyes and exhaled slowly. "Kim, it's not your fault, it's not my fault. I don't know why Leo is not here with us right now, I don't understand it but he's not."

"But that was my job."

"No, no, no." He shook his head gingerly. It made his brain hurt to move so quickly. "I hate that he's not here, I hate it but if you asked me if I'd rather he never existed at all the answer is no."

"You wouldn't change this if you could?"

"Yes, I would change this in a heartbeat if I could, I would have Leo here with us if it was possible, but it is impossible. I never wanted this for us, I never wanted to see you so broken but I do, everyday I saw how broken you were and I hated it. However the only solace I take from that is the reason you are so broken is because of that beautiful boy we made. I can't regret making something so perfect but I hate that he's not here."

Kim couldn't stop herself and Adam had no intention of even trying when she climbed up onto the bed, rested her head on his shoulder and sobbed her heart out. The pain it caused him was indescribable, from his injuries and from his heart. He didn't care though; she was back where she belonged.

In his arms.


	19. From The Beginning

"Home time." Kim literally skipped through the door to his hospital room. It had been a long two weeks and Adam had had a minor setback when he got an infection in one of his wounds that needed to be cleaned out, he'd spiked a fever and was pretty unwell for a couple of days and Kim had barely left his side. They did a lot of soul searching, together, shed a lot of tears and decided that when they walked out that door at the end of all this, it was done. Whatever had gone on since Leo's death was in the past. Of course Leo wasn't, they could never forget him, he was their son but the pain and heartache they'd caused each other since then was over.

Even when Adam tearfully told her about that moment of hesitation he had at the bar Kim tried not to be hurt by it. At the end of the day he hadn't done anything other than be the nice guy that he was, it wasn't the first time he bought someone a drink or talked to another woman and Kim trusted him. She was upset that he thought he was a terrible husband because of it but it worried her more that it was the night before he was shot. She was appalled that he was so upset and hated himself for it that he didn't take the proper care of himself on the job and it almost killed him and she blamed herself for that. He hadn't done anything wrong and he had to know that and Kim made sure he did.

"What took you so long?" He muttered. He'd been waiting for an hour for her to come in; once he'd called to say he could leave he didn't want to wait. The nurses got sick of his begging, which he had started last night that they called his Doctor early and asked him to come in so that he could be cleared and he was dressed, packed and on the phone to Kim as soon as he got the okay.

"Good Morning to you too." Holding both his cheeks in her hand she kissed him lightly. "Grumpy bugger."

"I want to go home."

"I know Baby." She picked up his bag and swung it over one shoulder before helping him up out of the chair. Adam wasn't moving all that quickly but the determination in him was impressive. Two days ago they told him he needed to walk around for at least half and hour before they would contemplate sending him home so he was out of bed and walking within minutes and returned 45minutes later, exhausted but declaring himself fit for purpose. "You know you still need to take it easy?"

"You think I want to come back to this shithole again?"

"You and me both." Kevin offered to come and help her take him home but she wanted to do this herself. Adam had cared for her so diligently she wanted to repay the favour; actually she needed to do it. They needed to walk back into their house together.

Adam made a beeline for the couch and tugged on Kim's arm as she started to fuss over him. "Sit down." He beckoned her close and kissed her softly. "Thank You."

"For what?"

"Saving me. Coming home. Loving me. Giving me a reason to live, for letting me love you."

"You are sweet."

"Shall I keep going? For being kind and patient, for being the best nurse ever, for being beautiful and for being my wife, but most of all for being Leo's Mom."

"Adam, Baby. Stop." Her kiss was slow and deep and passionate and then she rested her forehead on his. "I never doubted your love for me, and I never stopped loving you. Just so you know that."

A few days later she noticed his foul mood, he'd certainly had a few over the last few weeks and they were hard to miss, they were born out of frustration for his situation more than anything. He had told Kim to stop nagging him but he shut his mouth when she reminded him how annoying he was when she wasn't well and that she sucked it up so he needed to as well. "But it was different?" He started to protest.

"No it wasn't. So suck it up Adam. Stop whining and accept that I am going to annoy the crap out of you." He shut his mouth but it didn't stop his bad moods.

"What's got you so hot under the collar this time?"

"Nothing." He threw the remote on the table having turned off the TV after flicking through a million channels and not finding one single thing to watch. He'd been watching TV for weeks and he'd had a gutful. Four bullet holes in your body took its toll but sheer boredom was way worse and a bored and frustrated Adam was not particularly enjoyable for anyone.

His days consisted of showering and sitting on the couch doing nothing while Kim fussed around him like a mother hen. They would go for a short walk twice a day and Kim had to stop him pushing himself too hard. He hated it. He had another two weeks before they would even contemplate letting him back to work on desk duty.

"Sure looks like it."

"You don't want to know."

"Maybe I do?"

"Nope, pretty sure you don't." He shook his head and continued to sulk. Kim stood in front of him with her hands on her hips until he finally relented and looked up at her. He wasn't making things easy for her but there was no place she'd rather be. "Seventy-five days."

"Seventy–five days for what?" She shook her head trying to figure out what the hell he was on about.

"Since I've made love to you."

"You are counting?" Kim couldn't hide her slightly bemused smile.

"Yes, I have all this time on my hands at the moment and I was bored." He folded his arms across his chest. "I was unconscious and you spent most of that time playing with my junk and now that I am awake you won't even look at it."

"What are you talking about? Who stood in the bathroom watching you while you've showered for the last two days?" Kim laughed at his pathetic whining. He really was totally infuriating when he was sick or injured but she loved every minute of it.

"You, but I was hoping you would be a little more hands on."

"Adam, Baby. Do you want to have sex?"

"Yes."

"I'm not sure?"

"Why not? Why don't you want to have sex? It's been ages, how can you function?"

"It's not easy but it's not going to kill you." She scoffed.

"It might and then you'll be sorry. You will have wished you did your duty."

"Adam, don't be fucking ridiculous. Nobody ever died from lack of sex."

"You sure? Do you want to risk it?" He was enjoying being ridiculous, probably because the very fact they were in a place to have this conversation was a good thing.

"I don't want to do any damage. You are not completely healed yet?"

"Don't worry about it, whatever you do will not even come close to how painful it is to sleep next to you, wearing very little I might add, what's with that?" That was his own fault; he had insisted that he was too hot if she was dressed in pyjamas. It was complete horseshit but Kim stripped off anyway. "And not being able to fuck you."

"You really are frustrated aren't you?" She laughed. "That's when you talk to me like a sailor on leave."

"Fine yes, I am frustrated." Her laughing wasn't helping his mood. "I have blue balls, I want to screw you so bad. I've missed you, for seventy five days" He repeated and his pouting was cute.

"Will you let me do all the work?"

"Yes." He wasn't expecting her to get a twinkle in her eye or lift up her dress and take off her underwear right then and there.

"Now?" Kim swung her hips as she danced over to him.

"Already half way there." And when they both looked down it was no surprise to see his reaction, which grew rapidly as she manoeuvred his track pants down over his hips. He slid his hands up her thighs as she straddled his hips and she certainly liked how it felt. "As are you."

"I missed you Baby." Her hot breath tickled his cheek as she whispered in his ear. "Let me love you Adam."

Kim kissed him hard as she found the perfect position and felt Adam slide inside her. He refused to let her stop even though he was in agony but being inside his wife, feeling her around him more than made up for it. It was intense, they both locked eyes with each other and neither wanted to look away first and despite his assertion that he wanted to fuck her, which was generally when things got wild Kim took it slow and it was exquisite.

"Are you okay?" he asked as Kim buried her head in the crook of his neck and felt him run his hands up and down her thighs. While it was enough for now, they'd scratched an itch he would need to get completely naked with her and soon. "I know that was hard for you before."

Kim sat up and pulled her dress down and cuddled up beside him. "I am okay, I am more than okay. I love being close to you Adam, even though I struggled it wasn't the sex that I didn't like it was the feeling afterwards, everything else seemed so hard, but not that."

"Why didn't you tell me?"

"I couldn't. I know how much you like it, and I do too, I always have and you were so beautifully patient and gentle and loving. I was just scared."

"About getting pregnant?" He was drawing circles on her bare thigh.

"That was one of the reasons yes, you know the reason we have sex is to procreate." Where the hell did that come from? Procreate? What the hell was she talking about?

"That's so not the reason I have sex with you." Adam laughed and rolled his eyes. "So not the reason. I have sex with you because I love it and so do you and I love making you happy and it feels good, so fucking good."

"Well that too, but you know I think it was more that I was worried that one day you'd ask me to have another baby."

"One day I will, but I'm not ready Kim, not even close. It's too soon, way too soon. I would never force you either. If and when we decide to have another baby it will be because we both want it and are ready for it."

"What if I never am?"

"Then we will deal with it. Right now, I can't see that far ahead, can you?"

"No, but what if you are ready way before me?"

"Then I'll wait for you."

This was a conversation they should have had weeks ago, before she walked out on him. "I know you want to have kids, you always have."

"So do you."

"Yes, I did. What if we never have another baby?"

"Then there is no one I'd rather not have a another baby with than you." Kim looked at him a little curiously. "I mean, if we do or don't have children doesn't matter as long as I am with you. It's you I want Kim, you. I only want to have children with you." Twisting her ponytail around her hand he pulled her down for a kiss. "And Kim we already have a child together. We have Leo."

"Adam." She buried her head in his shoulder. "I love you. I couldn't do it without you."

"Do what?"

"Survive."


	20. Wide Open Road

_**Are you ready for the end?**_

Adam held out his hand and Kim curled her fingers around his as he rested his free hand on the door. "You ready?"

"Yes." She tightened her grip and clasped her other hand over the top of both of their entwined hands. "I shouldn't have eaten. I feel a little sick."

"Don't you spew on me." Adam warned her playfully. "That's just nasty."

"I will not spew on you."

"Are you sure? You look scared."

"Maybe we should have done those shots you suggested?"

"I can go get you something?" He pointed to the liquor store across the road.

"No thank you, then I probably would spew."

"Okay, no booze for you." Gently placing a kiss on her temple. "Shall we do this?"

"I am ready." She nodded, a little nervously and Adam chuckled. "I am ready. Let's do this."

The door chimed as they walked in and Adam felt Kim hesitate a little. She looked around the barely lit room, all the photos and pictures on the walls were a little frightening and she did wonder about this place and where he was taking her. It was grotty and dingy but Adam assured her it was fine. There was a low buzzing coming from the room behind the counter. "You don't have to do this. It's okay if you change your mind." Adam slipped his hand around her waist and tried to stop her shaking.

"I want to do this."

Adam held her hand the whole time as she grimaced and giggled throughout it all. "You okay?"

"It tickled at first but now it's starting to get really annoying."

"You are nearly done." Adam kissed her fingers. "It looks good, it's as sexy as hell."

She closed her eyes and then suddenly it was over. Kim turned to look at it; she had chosen not to watch while it was being done and when she looked back at Adam he had tears in his eyes. "Our Little Lion Cub." She whispered.

"It's beautiful, like you, like Leo." Adam had been surprised when Kim told him she wanted to get a tattoo to match his on her bicep. She had fallen in love with his from the moment she saw it and even now, months later she still kissed it as often as she could.

They had been in bed and Adam had stretched his arm up over his head and Kim was tracing the lion with her finger. "I want one?" Adam loved it when she did this, she'd touch it and kiss it or lay her cheek on his arm. He appreciated it even more that night as she was stretched out on top of him, completely naked and still a little sweaty from the crazy sex they'd just had. When he'd told her he chose the left bicep because it would always be close to his heart it made it feel so much more special. She had been stupid to think that Adam had forgotten about Leo or moved on, Adam was devastated and still had days when he struggled to deal with things. His biggest challenge was when they had a case that involved children and especially babies; he'd crawl home and into Kim's arms and wallow.

Kim came crashing back down to earth when she was called to an MVA, which involved a pregnant woman who ultimately lost her baby. That hit her hard and Adam was beside himself trying to help her deal with the immediate aftermath.

They got there though, each day a little easier than the last.

"A Lion, I don't think that's allowed."

"You are funny." She grabbed some of his chest hair and tugged it lightly. "No, I want a tattoo, like this, exactly the same."

"Now who's being funny?" Even though she loved his lion cub Kim still hated tattoos in general and begged him not to get anymore. She didn't want his beautiful body ruined, it was bad enough that she had to look at his ugly scars from those four bullets that had violated his body. He was fine with them and he told Kim he couldn't be upset about them because of the joy it bought him. When she questioned him about what he meant he'd told her simply that those bullets bought her back to him and that was all he ever wanted.

He cocked his head to the side and looked at her warily. "Seriously?"

"Yes, will you take me?"

Adam rolled her over and pressed her body down into the mattress beneath him. He grabbed her hands and held them above her head and kissed the spot on her left arm where he was going to take her and get her inked up. "I will take you wherever you want to go, I will give you whatever you want, I will do whatever I have to do to make you happy." He whispered in her ear.

"You do make me happy, every day."

So on Leo's birthday he took her and she had it done, having chosen that day because it would always be a day of sweetness and pain. The sweetness of meeting their precious boy and now for having him etched close to her heart forever juxtaposed against the pain of losing him. He couldn't wait until it was healed because he wanted her to feel how amazing it felt whenever she pressed her lips to his arm. He loved it.

They spent his birthday alone, except for the visit to the tattoo parlour. Adam woke first and propped himself up on one elbow and watched her sleep. When he traced her cheek with his finger Kim stirred and burst into tears. "I love you so much." Adam pulled her into his arms.

"I miss him Adam."

"So do I."

"It's stupid though isn't it, we never really had him."

"Yes we did, for nearly nine months we had him. He's part of us; he always will be. He was beautiful, perfect and he's our son. We are allowed to miss him."

Kim kissed away his tears and they spent the next few hours loving each other. They had certainly learnt that some things could bring you closer and that sex wasn't always about making you happy, having fun or just satisfying a craving, it was also about sharing pain and seeking comfort from the person who was suffering just as much as you were. It was an intensely beautiful moment and they'd had many of them along the way.

As well as the wild and primal sessions where they both just let go that just felt fucking fantastic.

They walked hand in hand along the river; in the same quiet spot where Adam had taken her the first time they went out after Leo and had lunch together before Adam took her to get her tattoo. That night they curled up together outside in the warm evening and shared a few glasses of whiskey. They cried together, laughed together and loved together and they embraced the memory of their boy.

The first time Adam kissed her tattoo she loved it too. Kim's heart nearly burst out of her chest as he ran his fingers over her arm and then pressed his lips to it; it was always a sensitive spot and now it was so much more.

It was the only thing they did, apart from the Lion painting hanging over their mantle this was what they had chosen to do to keep Leo close. There were no photos of him on display. Adam had finally looked at the photo of him and Leo and he treasured it as much as Kim did. It had been an incredibly heartbreaking experience for Adam who had chosen father's day as the day to look at the picture of him with his son for the first time. Kim had woken in the early hours of the morning to find Adam missing and found him sitting downstairs, the photo in his hands and tears streaming down his face. She held him, like he had done for her so many times as he let his grief crash over him in never-ending waves. "I want my son back."

"I know you do."

"I want to be a father." His anguish was crushing. They were talking about more children but neither of them was prepared to go through a pregnancy just yet. That was the challenge, not so much having children but how do they get them. Were they prepared for the struggle, the fear, and the worry of living through another pregnancy? Right now, no they weren't.

They didn't want to risk their relationship and their marriage and in those early weeks and months after Kim came home they both admitted, tearfully to each other that they didn't know if they would survive another unsuccessful pregnancy. It might just break them and that was a heavy burden for them to carry, it didn't stop them loving each other as much as they could though.

They also talked about adoption or fostering and even surrogacy but at the end of the day they needed to heal first and foremost, love each other and make sure they were back on solid ground and that was going to take time.

"Adam, you are a father. Whatever happens you will always be a father."

Leo was never far from their thoughts and now the matching tattoos meant that he was never far from their hearts either.

Their road had a lot of potholes but they both were starting to feel it; they could see the wide-open road ahead of them and the sky above was beautiful and clear.

They were sitting outside, the warm evening had drawn them out the back and they'd had dinner on the deck, Adam had grilled some chicken and they'd shared a bottle of wine. It was a rare weekend that Kim wasn't working and Adam hadn't been called in so they were making the most of it.

The sun had finally given in and sunk behind the trees and the breeze was a little cool. Kim curled up into her favourite position, lying between his legs, her back against his chest, her head tucked up under his chin as he pulled a rug over their legs. It was peaceful listening to the birds and the sounds of their neighbours splashing about in pools, laughing, playing music and loving life. "Adam, I want to have another baby."

Adam tightened his arms around her, around his whole world.

"Me too."

 _ **So will they or won't they...perhaps we will never know.**_


	21. Epilogue

_**For those who wanted a happy ending...**_

Kim touched every inch of him. His skin was warm and soft beneath her fingertips and it was so addictive; she loved feeling warm skin, she loved waking up next to warm skin and the feeling of having warm skin pressed against her never ceased to calm her. When she needed comfort, his warmth gave it to her.

Now this was like a drug, her drug and never wanted to come down from this high. It was intoxicating and she couldn't get enough. She wanted this moment to last forever.

Adam's arms were wrapped around her and when she looked up at him, the love of her life, the reason she made it this far, the tears that tumbled down his cheeks were beautiful to see. And pure, he was a pure man and he was her man, he always had been. His hold on her heart was vice like. Whatever the highs and lows they'd endured Adam was always right beside her, he never let her fall very far.

An angry cry interrupted their moment and they dragged their gaze away from each other and looked into the pale grey eyes of their newborn son.

He came into their world in a hurry after a two-hour labour, three weeks early and full of piss and wind. It was like he knew that he couldn't keep them waiting. He was screaming blue murder, his arms and legs splayed as Dr Sanderson lifted him up for them to see and it was the sweetest sound they'd ever heard.

Leo's baby brother wanted everyone to know that he was here but he was not particularly happy about it.

His parents didn't care. He could protest all he liked nothing was going to change how perfect they thought he was and how much he already controlled their hearts. They tried not to get too attached throughout the pregnancy, which had been an emotional rollercoaster but the reality was from the moment that line showed up on that stick they craved this baby. It was love at first sight and they were completely overwhelmed by him as soon as they heard his cry and felt his skin, his warm skin against Kim's chest and beneath their fingers.

He had the same dark hair as Leo, he had ten perfect fingers and toes and a wicked set of lungs. He was smaller than his brother and that made him seem all the more precious. He curled his hand around his father's finger as he nuzzled around, grunting and squawking until he found his mother's breast. They were totally in love.

Archie Ruzek was here and he was full of life.

 _ **Thanks for reading. It was certainly an emotional story and it even made me cry a few times writing it. I hope you enjoyed it despite the heaviness of the subject. Many thanks for the likes and reviews, it's much appreciated. Until next time.**_


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